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We've Moved!!

2010-03-08T17:04:00.001-05:00

CLICK HERE

... and join us at our new home.

Be sure to say hello!

A Brief Word

2010-03-08T10:19:00.005-05:00

We had an absolutely stunning weekend and I cannot wait to share it with you but I quickly wanted to inform you that I will soon be making a lateral move over to Wordpress.

I have decided this for several reasons:

- After exploring Wordpress a little bit, I fell in love with the layout and features. If I maintain this blog long term I would like it to be there-- and I plan on maintaining this blog long term.

- I have been continuously getting error messages through Blogger that make posting difficult.

- I have been contacted numerous times to sponsor reviews and giveaways and that is not really what this blog is for. I find them sort of disruptive and repetitive. If I came across a product that I fell in love with I would be more than happy to tell you all about it, and if there was something that I really believed in I would absolutely love to give it away to you, but to be honest I am pretty indifferent toward the products I have been contacted about and... the emails are just sort of irritating.

- Ryan's blog is at Wordpress. Shouldn't we keep the family together?

Anyway.. I hope you will all continue to visit me once I move. I will absolutely be keeping up with all of you.

See you soon!

- Michelle

Liam's Fan Page

2010-03-04T09:15:00.003-05:00

So... our kid is a rockstar.

Click here to check out Liam's new shutterfly page. It is where I will be posting my monthly photostream, videos and updates about Liam's progress. We created this site mostly for our family who we know will be interested in the 27 shots of Liam's feet and what milestones he is hitting every month...but you are more than welcome to take a look as well. February is up and running. It is amazing to see how much he has changed this month!

I also uploaded a video of Liam dreaming, which we find quite adorable. Be sure to sign the guestbook!

And for all you mamas and papas, this is really an awesome resource for keeping friends and family updated on your little bundle of joy. It's free and really easy! Just go to shutterfly.com and sign up! Shutterfly is always giving things away too. We already have a free photo book and 50 free prints waiting for us. Oh, the photo goodness.

I suppose I should mention that this is not a "review" of Shutterfly. I simply signed up this week when I reached my photo storage limit on flikr (way too fast) and have been really, really impressed!

Anyway, let me know what you think.

Does This Make Me Cool?

2010-03-03T10:44:00.006-05:00

I re-pierced my nose this past weekend. For the third time.
It is my way of giving adulthood the middle finger.

I first pierced it a couple of years ago on a whim.. but then had to take it out all responsible-like for a job. Once the job was over, I re-pierced it. It lasted a year; however, apparently metal and emergency c-sections don't mesh, so out it came again when Liam was born. Life can be such a kill-joy; like a stuffy old man with its panties in a wad over these new-fangled fads and rebellious youngsters. But I refuse to give up, damn it!

It hurt. It has not hurt in the past but going through the scar tissue of two previous piercings caused some slight discomfort. But I dealt with it. Because I am hardcore like that.

What is that in your face, woman?

So, as we have been asked in the past: what do we tell Liam? Papa is pierced. Mama is too. In fact, my ears are gauged to a 00 as well-- which people rarely notice (I take that to mean I pull it off well). We have tattoos. We plan on getting more. So what do we tell him when he inevitably comes to us at 14 wanting to pierce his belly button or tattoo his girlfriend's name on his neck?

Part of me believes that due to the very nature of teenagers, Liam will have no interest in any of that stuff. Simply because his parents are (or were, whatever the case may be)... and how uncool is that. But let's say he is...

My mom always told me that when I had my own baby, I would understand why parents cringe at the idea of body modification. And while my mom is often right about many things (Hi, Mom!).. she was wrong about this. I really do want Liam to make his own decisions about his body (one of the many reasons we chose not to circumcise-- but that is another post for another time). I also think that these things are more generally accepted and not nearly as big of a deal as perhaps the previous generation is under the impression that they are. In fact, I am quite sure that very few people reading this are feeling shock and dismay. We are quite mild compared to some! I know several tattooed mamas. And not just, "Oh, yeah.. I got this when I was a teenager and boy do I regret it" tattoos but "this is a beautiful piece of artwork that I am proud to have as a permanent part of my body" tattoos. And having pierced my nose three times, I am well aware that piercings are far from permanent.

This does not mean that if Liam comes to me when he is 12 years old insisting on getting Hello, Kitty! tattooed on his ass that I am just going to fork over the cash and hand him the business card of my favorite artist. It just means that I am going to trust myself to teach Liam to make well-informed, thoughtful decisions.. and then I am going to let him make those decisions for himself.

And.. I am going to enjoy my little taste of rebellion. For however long it lasts.

You Should See This.

2010-03-02T14:08:00.004-05:00

It makes me happy.

Created in 2007/2008 by Ryan.
I am such a dork.

p.s.- Cleveland is huuuumid. And I had no brush. Hence the ridiculous hair. The geese? Well.... I have no excuse for that.

Welcome to my Home

2010-03-01T11:19:00.005-05:00

Home is a shelter from storms - all sorts of storms.
William J. Bennett

You may or may not remember this post, in which I introduced you to our new house with its bizarre color scheme, brown trim, and original artwork [oh, my!.]

In between surprise births, college graduations, dog adoptions and those other sorts of things.. we have been hard at work on our little house. With much blood, sweat and tears, along with some pinching, saving, thrifting and liquidating.. we are piecing together a home. I thought you might like to see it!

Today I will show you our living room.

You simply must return to that original post to understand just how far we have come. But it is not finished. Just this weekend, we rearranged to make room for the lovely sideboard we got at a liquidations sale and which we are enjoying immensely.

I am not sure a home is ever "finished" and I am looking forward to the evolution of ours.

Keeping It Clean

2010-02-26T19:25:00.004-05:00

Bath night.

There are so many things I could say.. but I think I will let the images (and Liam's expressions) speak for themselves.

Whoa, Buddy

2010-02-23T19:45:00.019-05:00

So, Emily over at Last Train to Pooksville gave me this pretty button:

Thank you so much, Emily! It made my day.

Getting such a pretty button made me realize that I never got around to following the rules of these two pretty buttons:

These were provided by Lindsey and Toni at Memoirs of a Housewife and Carrigan's Joy respectively. Gah. I am a terrible and ungrateful blogging buddy. I am so sorry, ladies. I really do appreciate the consideration. I just forget to pause, take a breath, and follow through.

So, here I am following through. (Please excuse the lack of fun, exciting pictures in this post--I'm at work. No photo stash. Le sigh.)

- The rules for the Beautiful Blogger Award are to share 7 interesting things about myself and nominate 7 bloggers.
-The rules for the Lemonade Stand Award is simply to nominate 10 blogs with great "attitude and gratitude."
-The rules for this newest Sunshine Award is to list 6 things I love and 6 blogs I love....

So, I am going to throw all of that in a pot and stir up 6 things I love, 7 interesting things about myself and 9 blogs/bloggers I love (3 for each award).

Here we go!

6 Things I Love
[I am sticking to actual physical things here because if we get into people or places... we could be here all day]:
1. Books. [Books, books, books, books, books] That is books six times over.. and if it wouldn't be cheating I might just leave it at that because I love books so very much. I do.
2. Coffee.[Coffee..coffee... okay, you get the picture]. Yes, I am a coffee addict.
3. Baby feet. More specifically Liam feet. I nibble them often and they are delicious.
4. My engagement ring. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever owned. I have been wearing it since June of 2008 and I still look at it daily and smile.
5. Candles. I am a candle junkie! Seriously. We have 28 candles in our bedroom alone. (Really.. I just counted.) I love how simple candle-light turns the ordinary into something romantic and exciting. And they are pretty. And they smell good.
6. The (infamous) Baby Wrap. I know I have already dedicated an entire post to my baby wrap and how happy it makes me.. but.. really.. it is pretty much the best thing that has ever happened to me mommy-related. It gives me butterflies.

7 interesting things (this is tough; I am boring):

1. Ryan and I have a "bucket- list" that we created not even a month after we met. We have done several things on the list... including going to Chicago so that Ryan could propose to me in front of the Newberry Library (it was written down as a big question mark-- yep, he claims to have already known then).

2. For a little over 2 years I lived in a pool house the size of a large closet.. jam packed with awesome IKEA furniture. For free.

3. Ryan and I got married, bought a house and had a baby all within 10 months. I also graduated from college during that time. And as you know.. it wasn't your typical baby-having experience.. so I think that's pretty interesting. Well, it was interesting for me.

4. I memorized an entire book of the Bible in the 7th grade. I was the only one who did not pick a one page book. Go me.

5. A project I did my Sophomore year in college is now part of the course description in that class. Yeah.. I'm awesome.

6. I've been blogging since I was 15. All my various blogs are still active. I have no earthly idea how I come up with that much to say.

7. My name is misspelled on my college diploma.. because for the first 20 years of my life.. I was misspelling my middle name. True Story.

9 blogs I love:

For the Beautiful Blogger Award.

Okay.. so... I love reading these blogs! I mean, really love it. These women are funny and uplifting and their posts are often exploding at the seams with adorable. They are definitely beautiful bloggers.

1. Gretchen at A Bitty Blog (Devin is possibly the cutest little boy on the planet aside from Liam. Seriously.)
2. Lindsey at Memoirs of a Housewife (Hunter is here! She is beautiful. Go meet her.)
3. Emily at The Last Train to Pooksville (Check out her blog. Now. I mean it. You will not be sorry.)

For the Lemonade Stand Award

1. That's My Baby (Julia is taking a little break, but she will be back! She better!)
2. Green Leaf Baby (So, this kid? This kid right here? He will steal your heart.)
3. Blue Ridge Baby (One word: precious.)

(Three precious babies-- three awesome blogs! Heh, heh.. I couldn't resist!)

For the Sunshine Award.. because reading these blogs about thriving preemie boys make me so happy!

1. Our Little Birds
2. The Peanut Blog
3. Multiple Miracles from Above

So, I know I sort of twisted the rules but.. what are rules for, if not for breaking [um.. unless you are Liam Eliot- in which case, rules are rules for a reason, bub.]

Now, I am all caught up with my blogger award posts. Whew.

p.s.- I am supposed to go around and tell everyone that they have gotten an award on my site but... I am lazy. So.. I am just chucking this rule out all together. Yeah, I'm a rebel.

Peace

2010-02-23T16:35:00.003-05:00

A happy life must be to a great extent a quiet life, for it is only in an atmosphere of quiet that true joy dare live.
Bertrand Russel

Ryan is a writer. I am a reader.
Needless to say, we value the quiet.

Our home is a peaceful one. And this is largely due to the absence of one small, generally accepted element of most households: cable television.

We do have a television set and will often watch movies or a series on DVD (my current obsession: Dexter) but unless we are purposefully watching something, our television is not on. I do not see television as evil, only... unnecessary. Liam will be allowed to watch things from time to time, but I do not see it being a large part of his life. There are much more interesting things to do.

I often listen to music or NPR but these are both lacking in the quick transitions and constant chatter found in commercials and many programs. Ryan and I are quite comfortable with silence... and can often sit with each other quietly for extended periods of time; each of us lost in our own thoughts or activities.

The calmness of our home is often commented on; particularly those who are used to the television playing constantly in the background. What is funny to me is that it is often viewed negatively. "Your house is so QUIET," they will say. Or my personal favorite: "If you don't have television... what do you DO?!"

Well, as I previously stated, we will often watch a movie together (we are Netflix junkies). But we also read. And talk. And have people over. And go out. There is laundry to be done and dinner to be cooked and floors to be swept. We play with our dog(s). We spend time with our baby. I am sure as Liam gets older, his antics will be plenty entertaining. Often, it feels like there are not enough hours in the day for all that we do and I find myself wondering exactly how people have any time to watch television at all!

What do I do? Have you seen this face? It is the perfect sort of face for gazing in wonder.

The quiet stillness of our home is most evident during the day when it is just Liam and me. I am enjoying it while it lasts. I know that little boys are "busy" personified.. and I am honestly looking forward to having our home filled with toddler giggles and silly conversations, but I do hope that Liam will glean some appreciation for the quiet and the creativity that can be found there. I hope that he finds a sense of peace from living with his Papa and me.

Of Man and Dog

2010-02-22T09:58:00.002-05:00

The more I see of man, the more I like dogs.
Mme. de Staël

I am a dog person-- always have been, always will be.

However, Fezzik the Great, our beloved schnoodle, is not your typical dog. He reminds me more of a cat: only having any use for you when he needs something.....whether it be food, water, a walk, food, a belly rub, toys, food, treats, a potty break, food...

We accept him for who he is and, in return, he allows us to remain in his good graces. He can be very sweet and playful when he wants to be and we really do love him a lot.. but I have missed the undying affection and sweet cuddles of your more typical pooch.

Enter Marlo:

This weekend we headed to Target to pick up a few things for Liam's nursery. As we passed Petsmart, I suddenly remembered it was Saturday: adoption day. I asked Ryan to stop..... "just to look, you know..."

We have actually been open to the idea of another dog for awhile, after hearing repeatedly that two dogs are easier than one. *ahem* Excuse me, I had been open to the idea of another dog for awhile.. Ryan... took a bit more convincing. But, he had been won over and we have stopped numerous times before "just to look" and actually did just look.

Now.. I believe in love at first sight.

We stopped at the first dog in the row of pens and began chatting with the volunteer, when a shaggy little pup in the next pen over caught my eye. A female terrier mix named Dana. While petting her, we heard what a lover she was-- every staff member who walked by had something wonderful to say. Having worked as a volunteer at an animal shelter, I know that when doing off-site adoptions, your goal is not to sell the dog to whoever happens to walk by throwing an, "Awwwwww.." over their shoulder. Spontaneous adoptions rarely stick. You want the potential owner to know what they are getting themselves into. You want them to make an informed decision-- not fall hard for a dog, get it home and realize *gasp* it is actual work.. and *sigh* the dog is not perfect. So hearing all the great things the staff had to say really meant something.

I looked at Ryan.
I gave him the lip.
We got an information sheet.

After a few more minutes, I asked if we could take home an adoption form.. just in case. And the next thing I know, we are filling it out, arranging a meet and greet for Fezzik... and trying to decide on a new name. I mean.. Dana... really?

Fezzik and Dana hit it off much better than I even expected. Fezzik is very particular about his friends and can be kind of a grouch, but he tolerated Dana in his aloof way...paying no mind as she frolicked in front of him and even allowing her the honor of being marked as his territory as he gracefully peed on her ear. So.. we arranged to pick her up the next day.

She seems to be settling in quite nicely.

We have named her Marlo.. but are still working on the middle name (Marlo Kimber? Kinsley? Annabelle? What do you think?)

She and Fezzik have had only one little spat in which Fezzik oh, so gently reminded her who is boss around here. She sleeps beautifully on her bed and seems to only need a slight refresher course in potty-training. She is very interested in Liam; greeting him the first time with a great big smooch. (Fezzik generally ignores our furless puppy.) She loves to be outside. She is quite playful, sweet and curious. She just makes you feel happy inside.

Welcome to the family, Marlo!

Spring Fever

2010-02-19T23:38:00.006-05:00

It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!
Mark Twain

What a beautiful day! Warm enough to make you earn for spring:: warm enough for Liam's first outdoor adventure. We only ventured into the front yard-- baby steps, you know. Liam has taken many walks in his stroller, but generally snoozed through the whole thing.. and has never really met the earth, you know?

It will not be long before he is well-acquainted; having tasted it, dug in it, ground it into open wounds. I hope they will be the greatest of friends.

But today they were introduced gently.

After a few brief moments of alien space monkey fussing which I believe meant something along the lines of, "What is the meaning of this woman?! You dare to Put. Me. Down!" Liam really seemed to settle into the out of doors. He took in all the new sensations with wide-eyed wonder and was quite patient as his Mama snapped a few (okay.. perhaps about 173) pictures. I just could not help it. He was looking mighty cute. I will spare you the redundancy.. but here are a few:

This baby is so very precious.

And badass. Did I mention badass?

I definitely have a bit of the fever. While I have always enjoyed the quite stillness and general coziness of winter (we readers like anything that gives us the excuse to stay in our pajamas all day with stacks of good books to munch on)... I am also eager for the warmer months and the freedom that will accompany them. I have oh, so many plans.

But for now.. we will take the little slivers of Spring thrown our way and savor them while they melt on our tongues. These days I am not wishing away a single moment.

Take Me to Your Leader

2010-02-18T23:11:00.008-05:00

We are dealing with a multidimensional paraphysical phenomenon which is largely indigenous to Planet Earth.
Brad Steiger

Just in case you were beginning to think that life with Liam is all unicorns and sunshine...... don't.

We get plenty of this:
Followed promptly by this:

And a little bit of this:

Yes.. as evident in these photographs, we do, in fact, torture the child. Look at that little fist raised in indignation. Sigh. Honestly.. if the kid wasn't so darn cute I'm not sure we would put up with his nonsense. Score one for natural selection.. or you know, whatever it is in science that makes us want to take care of cute little things that squeak.

I am beginning to think that living with an infant is much like living with royalty... from another planet. They have strange customs, they do not speak your language, and they expect to be waited on hand and foot. And I'm sorry [MOM] but Liam did enter this world looking slightly like... a monkey from outer space. Let's just be honest here.

I find further proof in Liam's attempts to communicate: hands waving aimlessly in front of his face, punctuated with shrill shrieks, clicks, grunts, and an occasional coo. The coos are my favorite. But.. slightly space monkey-ish. I'm just saying.

Ah, well.. life with the prince of the space apes isn't so bad. I'll take it.

And one for the road:

No press, please!

Gulp

2010-02-16T10:26:00.009-05:00

Blues means what milk does to a baby.
Alberta Hunter

[Note: the following post contains images of breastfeeding. Please navigate away from this page if you are offended by such images.]

Liam is breastfed..... Liam. Is. Breastfed.

I cannot begin to tell you how challenging the creation of that little three word sentence has been. Just seeing it on the screen makes me smile because there have been so many times I did not think--perhaps even knew-- that I would never be able to say it.

When Liam came early I had absolutely no working knowledge of premature babies. I knew he would be small and I knew he would have some pretty big obstacles to overcome. When doctors are attempting to convince you that slicing your two pound baby from your body 11 weeks early is the best thing to do... they do not tend to focus on those obstacles. They focus on survival rates (upward of 90%.. which is not nearly as close to 100% as it sounds when referring to your child) and on the awesome medical technology that is going to keep your baby alive. I never considered how this would affect my decision to breastfeed.

To be perfectly honest, I gave very little thought to breastfeeding while pregnant. It never occurred to me to weigh the pros and cons. I never stopped to ponder the challenges breastfeeding mothers face or wonder if it would be worth it. It just did not make sense to me to purchase food for my baby when my body produced food for him. That was basically the extent of my consideration and in the midst of the disaster that was Liam's birth, breastfeeding fell even farther from my mind. Had the lactation consultant not stopped by my room with some encouraging words and a breast pump, I do not think it would have even occurred to me that, at some point, this baby was going to be ready to eat.

For a couple of days after Liam was born I was not even allowed to sit up in bed. I wanted to pump because I was suddenly very aware that providing breast milk was basically the only thing I was able to do for Liam, but my blood pressure was too high. I was worried this would cause problems but on the third day they allowed me to sit up (it was also the day they allowed me to go see Liam for the first time) and I pumped a fair bit of colostrum. My milk soon followed.

At that point, I had no idea that for the next couple of months the pump would become my most intimate friend. We began meeting for a private encounter every 3 hours and the NICU freezer was soon filled with our labors of love. Liam was still exclusively on nutritional fluids but it made me feel good to know that when he was ready, my milk would be waiting for him.

Introducing Liam to food through his feeding tube was a slow and daunting process. We encountered several false starts before his body was ready, but once he got going, things went great. And then came the fateful day that my stockpile at the NICU dwindled to nothing, as did my milk supply. I was literally getting mere drops at every pumping and I just knew the end was near.

Liam was given formula for the first time and did not handle it well at all. Once again all feedings stopped, tests were done, ultrasounds were taken... and as I watched my sweet little one squeak in hunger (IV fluids do not fill empty tummies) I felt like I had a second chance. I spoke with the lactation consultant, bought a 64 oz water bottle, started taking fenugreek, and got a prescription for Reglan. I began pumping every 2 hours and slowly (very s-l-o-w-l-y) my supply returned and Liam was able to return to breast milk.

That was a happy day.. but not the end of our problems. Liam did great with bottle-feeding.. but putting him to breast was a challenge. He did not latch well and I was constantly worried I was starving him. When he came home, I was breast-feeding, pumping, and bottle-feeding every 2-3 hours and soon became exhausted. Once again, I thought our time was up. I was not producing enough to feed Liam and pump... so.. as a last ditch effort, I decided to try a 24 hour exclusive breastfeeding experiment and drop the bottles.

Liam started eating hourly and I was convinced every sound he made was due to hunger. It was extremely stressful. I started attending a weekly breastfeeding support group at Parkridge East and I know that I would have given up if I had not decided to do this. Both the knowledge of the lactation consultant and just hearing the other moms face similar obstacles and have the same concerns with their full-term babies, plus being able to weigh Liam weekly and see exactly how much milk he receives has been completely priceless. That support group, coupled with the advice I received from message boards and this blog, kept me going. And...we made it.

That isn't to say that we have not faced any more challenges; every time Liam's growth slows, every time the exhaustion from getting up every 2 hours starts to catch up with me... I get tempted to stop. Even just being aware that Liam will never really understand how hard it was to breastfeed him and listening to other moms who have made the decision to formula feed, always know that their little one is getting enough to eat and have the option of getting a little extra rest is difficult sometimes.

But then... Liam cries to let me know he is hungry. I settle down with him and watch him root around and latch like a pro, grunting in satisfaction as he drinks his fill. I stroke his little head, rub his little back and watch his little toes curl and uncurl. I think about the future: how I will watch this baby grow into a little boy.. and that little boy grow into a man. I think about the fact that this is the only time in his life that he will be solely dependent on me. Soon he will be squirming out of my arms and then he will be too big for my arms at all. I think about the antibodies he missed out on by entering this world before he was ready and how my breast milk is providing a little extra protection; how this is still something I can do for him...and how hard I have worked to come this far-- what a shame it would be to give up now. I think about these quiet moments that are shared just between Liam and me.. and I know I would not give them up for the world.

Liam gained 8.4 oz this week. That is his largest gain since coming home from the hospital. He is growing so fast. Every ounce he puts on feels like a job well done.

And...I cannot help but pat myself on the back... just a little.

How Do I Love Thee...

2010-02-14T14:38:00.007-05:00

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
Author Unknown

There is a good chance that Valentine's Day was created solely for my entertainment. I am wild for all things cheesy.. and, let's face it, Valentine's Day is one of the cheesiest.

Cheesy.. but, oh, so fun.

Today, Ryan and I celebrated with pink frosted cinnamon twists and cuddles watching Netflix in bed until 1:00 p.m. (with baby and puppy to complete the love-fest, of course). It was the perfect day.

However, last night my sweet valentine surprised me with a dinner cruise on the Southern Belle. We got all dressed up, Ryan's parents lovingly came to watch the wee one, and we had a grand time! I have never been on a dinner cruise before... It was quite an experience:

It was a lovely time. The boat was pretty, the views were spectacular, the food was amazing, and the company was entertaining. It was a generally fantastic evening--- deserving of many positive adjectives... and containing just the right amount of cheese.

Happy Valentine's Day, Ryan Lee!
Thank you for a lovely day of love.

Monthly Photostream

2010-02-12T10:31:00.004-05:00

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.
The Wonder Years

To appease the masses (aka my mother) we have decided to start releasing a monthly photostream at the end of every month including all the snapshots of Liam we have taken in the preceding weeks.

I hope this will turn into a neat way of updating our family and friends on both Liam's progress and the goings-on of our family each month.

I threw together one for January. It is pretty rough and only includes 17 pictures but.. it gets the job done.

Check it out.

Following slideshows will hopefully be much more sophisticated.. and will certainly include more photographs, but you have to start somewhere!

[And to answer your question: Hell, YES-- we will be whipping out that last picture when Liam heads to prom. I mean, what kind of parents would we be?!]

Allow Me to Introduce You....

2010-02-10T10:29:00.004-05:00

..to the newest member of our family.

The Nikon D3000.

Ryan and I have always had a mild interest in photography. Many a date has been spend with one of our eyes behind a lens, eager to capture the magic of the moment. And I absolutely love to return to those photographs and remember. However, we have never invested in a really good camera. We've talked about it often.. but generally could capture what we wished with Ryan's Kodak and could not really justify spending a large sum of money on another technological gadget.

Leave it to our little gremlin to spur us into action.

His adorable face must be documented.

We have so far greatly enjoyed our investment. It feels like it has already paid for itself tenfold in beautiful moments forever frozen and we have only owned it for a couple of weeks. We are both still learning its entire potential (and ours)- we still have a long way to go. I would love to take a class someday.

Focus.

Self-portrait

Milk Drunk

As we gain more photography skills, I think it will be quite interesting to return to these early posts and see where we have come from. I hope that we will have learned a lot- that our photographs of Liam will evolve as he does.

Confession

2010-02-08T10:50:00.002-05:00

I have a confession to make.

It is a shameful thing I am going to say... but it must be said:
Ladies and gentlemen... I, Michelle A. Haddock... am not... a coupon-er.

I tried! I really, truly did try! On Sunday afternoon, I sat down in front of the computer with the ridiculous number of coupons I have clipped in the last couple of weeks and went to southersavers.com. I was so excited! We were going to save money- lots and lots of money! I could envision the shopping trips in my mind: going up to the cashier with my neat pile of coupons, watching the dollars fly off the final tab, skipping out the door. I was never going to pay full-price for something I needed again. [There were going to be unicorns and butterflies. It was really spectacular!]

Only... that isn't what happened at all. Not one little bit. Instead I found myself pulling my hair out, biting my fingernails and begging the heavens, "WHY!?! OH, WHY?!" as I stared at a screen and watched the lists morph into foreign symbols my exhausted brain could not understand, while a little troll sat next to me and laughed an evil laugh. Okay.. maybe there was no troll- but I was picturing a troll. Which should tell you just exactly how much of a crazy person couponing turned me into.

After spending literally an hour to track down the right Colgate coupon to go with the right sale at the right supermarket... so that I could get it for a dollar, it suddenly dawned on me- I have ALWAYS gotten toothpaste for a dollar.. because I get it AT THE DOLLAR STORE. And sure, I could get some mustard for free and maybe a blood glucose monitor.. but I have mustard and I have a blood glucose monitor and free clutter is STILL clutter. I do not have a pantry. I do not have a deep freezer. In fact, we are really very limited in cabinet space too.. so buying six boxes of cereal just because I can get it for 33 cents a box just does not work for our family.

Sigh.

On top of this.. I like organic/local far too much to rely on the cheapest prices; just because something is free does not mean I want my family to put it in their mouths. And also, I LIKE TO COOK! I do not want to base my entire week's menu on the fact that I got four packs of chicken thighs for $1.99 a lb. and have to use them this week. I want to be creative- I want to see a recipe I like and get the ingredients and try it out and be happy. And also, time and sanity are both as precious as money goes as far as resources are concerned- both of which I completely lost the minute I sat down to try this couponing thing out.

AND ALSO! I took what little I did get done to the grocery store and spend $31.00 on about half of our week's grocery list. I saved around $10.00 using coupons, which seems cool; HOWEVER, I usually go to Aldi and get way more than half my list (excluding our local/organic purchases) for about $40.00.. so in the end I am probably not going to be saving a penny. Aldi rocks.

Conclusion: Coupons blow. Epic fail.

Little Boy Loved

2010-02-05T12:40:00.006-05:00

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy.
John Lennon

Liam may hold the title of "Most Smooched."

Like father, like son. [It can be slightly unnerving.]

He is my heart.

"It goes by so fast."
The one thing all parents urge you to remember as you start the journey down the well-worn path of parenthood. As Liam's 14th week on this planet comes to a close.. it is easy to see why. Every moment with a wee one is a moment you can never get back.

Here is to never taking it for granted.

Hold Me Close

2010-02-03T09:39:00.004-05:00

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.
Hippocrates

For the first 65 days of his life, Liam was touched on a schedule. This breaks my heart into a million pieces every time I think about it... so I try not to think about it too often. I know that it was "for his own good." I know that they say his underdeveloped nervous system could not handle too much stimulation, and, as the nurses reminded us constantly, I know that he would not have been touched at all had he still be in the womb. However, something must be said for the difference between being cradled in the warm waters of the womb verses rolled up blankets in a boxy isolette, further punctuated by the frequent cold, clinical touch of the medical staff, poking and prodding and stabbing him with needles.

...like I said... a million pieces.

This is where my absolute-most-favorite-baby-product-ever-in-the-entire-world-hands-down comes in.

Mine is called The Ultimate Baby Wrap by Parents of Invention. I got it on sale for about 25 dollars (including shipping) from BabiesRUs. And it is pretty much the most amazing 25 dollars I have ever spent. I wish I had been crafty enough to make my own, but alas... not yet- soon though... very soon!

Because of Liam's little windpipe.. we have to watch that his chin does not rest on his chest; it could very well cut off his ability to breathe and so.. a sling would not be a very good idea. In fact, I did not think I would be able to use even this wrap until Liam got to be a bit bigger but I found this video which gave instructions on a hold that is great for preemies because they are lying almost vertically and it supports their head. Liam has been spending copious amounts of time in his wrap ever since.

It calms him down almost instantaneously.. and as I walk around he often settles into a bizarre position that I can only assume he found comfortable in utero. If I do not want curious eyes (and the filthy hands that come with them) peering in at him, I simply pull the fabric together and he is protected. He is close to my heart, a place he did not get to be for long enough.. and we get some serious snuggling in.

My time to have him all to myself was cut too short and it will not be long before Liam is wiggling out of my arms, eager to explore the world.. so I am soaking this in. Enjoying every moment he spends in my arms. I think I can officially be labeled a baby-wearing mama.

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho....

2010-01-30T19:50:00.004-05:00

You may or may not have noticed that I am posting less frequently... and there is a reason. There is a reason besides me being lazy, which, I will admit, I am quite capable of being.

Last week, I went back to work.
Let me just say.. It. Has. Been. HARD.

Have I mentioned how much I love my job? Oh, yes.. I believe I have.
Well, let me just mention it again: I have pretty much the most amazing job in the entire universe... taking care of pretty much the most amazing kids in the entire universe, and I would not trade it for anything in the entire world. When I am not at work I miss it terribly and can't wait to return and .. how many people can really say that?

However, I have to admit that I am struggling to find my rhythm this time around. Liam is an entirely different ball game; namely because he is mine. And also, he is quite tiny. And also.. he is quite demanding. And also.. he is mine.

It is much easier to say to a child who you are paid to care for and play with, "I'm sorry, love. But I can't [insert child's activity of choice here that must be done and must be done NOW or a little 2 year old brain may just very well explode] at the moment, I have to take care of your little brother/sister.." who you are also paid to care for and play with, but I am definitely battling some guilt when I have to turn down that game of Go Fish or princess tea-party to feed/change/cuddle my own little bundle of joy. Then I have to battle guilt of a different color when I walk by the room to hear my sweet one- who I do not want to feel another moment of discomfort or pain in his entire life because he has certainly had to endure enough in his short little life, thank you very much- in hysterics, but unable to go in and sooth him immediately because my arms are full of adorable squirming toddler and lunch needs to be made, diapers need to be changed, and noses need to be wiped- and OH, do not get my started on cross-contamination and the constant washing my poor dry, cracked hands have had to endure!

Have I mentioned it has only been one week? It has only been one week. And...to be fair, we survived it. Also, I know that I will settle into a routine soon, and that it will not be long before Liam is a little less fragile and a little more capable of joining in the fun. But, I have to say, it is certainly difficult to be a first-time mom and a care-taker of five simultaneously. Whew.

So I find myself in this unique situation; sort of a hybrid stay-at-home working mom.... and I am only working 2 days a week, but when I get home at the end of those two days I feel like I am about to collapse. So... I now have even more respect for working moms- you women are amazing!!

And I need to know... how do you do it?!

3 Months

2010-01-27T11:36:00.005-05:00

Liam is 3 months old today.
See how he grows?

Curious little bug.

My boys.

Pirate Face.

Feets.

Snuggles.

What an wonderful, terrifying, exhausting, utterly overwhelming and completely beautiful three months it has been. We are forever changed.

The Homecoming

2010-01-24T23:06:00.004-05:00

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
Franklin P. Jones

[Photo taken by Ryan Lee.]

Fezzik the Great has returned after a long absence. [He went to stay with my parents for a bit after Liam came home from the hospital.] We missed him a lot. A lot, a lot. The house just isn't the same without a schnoodle underfoot.

Boobies

2010-01-21T16:39:00.008-05:00

Whew... what a week.
Liam has had doctor's appointments, physical therapy, breastfeeding support group.. and today, his synagis shot. I am Worn. Out. Our pace the last couple weeks (a.k.a.- snail? sloth? corpse, perhaps?) has not prepared me for all this running around! I mean, Liam may be only five pounds and change... but the boy has some serious baggage. And he isn't the one lugging it around, now is he? Hopefully tomorrow will be a quiet, peaceful sort of day. I need to recover.

As a side note, we had some added excitement yesterday when Josh and Natalie's Nellie Rose joined the world. We will be popping by to see the family tonight. From pictures I can tell you- the child is gorgeous. I can already see the broken hearts she will leave in her path. Liam might very well be one of them.

Anyway... today, I had my first public breastfeeding experience. Liam was due to eat at 3:00.His pulmonology appointment was at.. guess when? Yep. 3:00. Of course.
Snug in his wrap he did not seem to notice that he was missing anything.. but then I had to strip him to his diaper for a weight check.. and then he was PISSED.

I waited. And waited. And bounced. And shhhed. And waited.
And gave up.
And whipped the boob out.
And Liam chowed down.

Of course, after 15 minutes of waiting for the nurse, she showed up 3 seconds after Liam started eating. I hate to interrupt him because we've had some latch issues (a.k.a.- Liam is lazy and wants his milk to pour blissfully into his mouth at the flick of his tongue. "Suckling? What is this suckling you speak of? Give me my food, woman!") but interrupt him I did and we got down to the synagis business.

Now.. I have watched them do some pretty serious stuff to my little one while he was in the hospital. And you would think that would desensitize me to the sight of a needle going into his thigh. But it didn't. At all. His wails broke my heart. Long after he stopped crying, (all of 5 seconds) I was needing cuddles. Liam was just needing more boob. So.. we found a bathroom because I do not yet have a nursing cover and Liam finished his meal.
Well, this got me thinking: how do you feel about public breastfeeding? I really have no problem with it; however, I personally would not nurse in public without a cover. While I am not exceptionally modest or anything and if I am in a place that I know it will not offend anyone, then I have no shame, I do not want to run the risk of making anyone uncomfortable. I feel that respecting other people is very important, regardless of whether or not I agree with them. I know this can be a pretty heated issue- some are offended by the sight of a baby with a boob in its mouth, others are offended that you would ask that the child be covered... but I am interested in your [civil] opinions.

Sweet Dreams

2010-01-18T23:14:00.005-05:00

Sleep is the golden chain that ties health and our bodies together.
Thomas Dekker

Papa finished putting Liam's crib together last week and so he has been spending little bits of time there every once in a while.

It sort of breaks my heart because he sleeps so beautifully alone. He is only 12 weeks old and already having moments of independence. I have to check on him repeatedly because he is so quiet and peaceful- in our room, he is a noisy little sleeper. The only place he sleeps better is snug against my chest in his baby wrap. ... which makes me feel a little bit better.

The crib is wonderful. My parents bought it for us. It is a rich espresso color and very solid. We found a dresser to match at a furniture liquidation store for less than $100! And now that the crib is finished... we are one step closer to having a completed nursery. One step of about 597, but still.... one step. [The rest of the room looks basically like a storage closet because.. it is basically a storage closet.] Oh, Preparedness is over-rated.

My Plight

2010-01-16T18:50:00.004-05:00

Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life.
Rachel Carson

So.. my convictions have this pesky habit of contradicting my reality.

When you are young and single this is nothing to be ashamed of. It can be labeled "finding yourself" or something. It isn't so much about the destination; it's about the journey. You set the goal and work towards it and that is all anyone can ask of you.

However, I suddenly find myself a parent and can already hear Liam's pre-pubescent voice cracking in accusation at that time in every soul's life when they realize that their parents are human but have yet to forgive them for this: "Mom! You are such a hypocrite!

As a parent, consistency is the name of the game.

Uh-oh.

I struggle with this.

For instance, my conviction is to buy locally, organically, and be environmentally aware. My reality is that... we are poor. It is very hard to find a balance between these two extremes. Local/organic and cheap are very rarely used in the same sentence in a manner that is positive for the consumer. However, in order to feel good about my place in the world, I have to find this balance and maintain it. So..I have set some standards for myself:

1. All animal products or byproducts must be all-natural/organic.
2. Anything that can be bought in bulk (sugar, flour, etc.) will be bought in bulk [and will more than likely be organic by default].
3. Next season we will join a CSA so that most of our produce will be purchased locally and in season.
4. B.Y.O.B [Bring Your Own Bag]
5. Buy used and save the difference- clothes, toys, books- anything that can be purchased used should be.
6. Cloth diapers for Liam as soon as he hits newborn sizes.
7. No pre-made/frozen/boxed meals.... ever.
8. Begin working toward replacing store bought with homemade whenever possible.

These are 8 things that I am able to do now. They are not the only 8 things I will do.. but there are 8 things I always do. I may not be able to live exactly as I wish I could due to financial constraints.. but I can do something.

I mean, I do not want to be a hypocrite- gosh!

So, how do you help to marry your convictions and reality?

Cheeky

2010-01-14T12:53:00.006-05:00

When facts were weak, his native cheek brought him serenely through.
Charles H. Spurgeon

Book Review: Her Fearful Symmetry

2010-01-11T10:18:00.006-05:00

So... let's just say the last few days have not exactly been smooth sailing.. and I am not exactly in the mood to write an actual post. I am not actually in the mood to write a book review either. I am really more in a crashing head first into the bed and entering a coma for a week sort of mood... but that is not really an option at the moment, so I will settle for a book review.

Let me preface this by saying for those of you who do not know, The Time Traveler's Wife is by far my favorite novel of all time. This is saying a lot because I swallow books whole. I mean... I read a lot. A lot. A lot. But.. The Time Traveler's Wife is just.. amazing. [And NO- I have not see the movie. I never plan to see the movie. I die a little bit inside anytime anyone brings up the movie... so thanks for that.]

Ryan proposed to me in Chicago, in front of the Newberry Library solely because of how much I love The Time Traveler's Wife. [It was pretty much incredible, by the way- I didn't know where we were going until our flight was announced. Yeah.. my husband has grand romantic gestures nailed.]

Yup. Me and the Newberry... just.. hanging out.

He proposed in a little park directely across the street. I was so freaking excited about Chicago and the library that the engagement took a little while to set in.

Anyway... so... when Ryan got me this book for Christmas, I was a little bit nervous because- come on- there is no way this lady is going to be able to write anything as good as The Time Traveler's Wife.

Well, I have to say, Her Fearful Symmetry.. is not as good as The Time Traveler's Wife, but, that's okay. I did not have high expectations. And I liked it anyway. Audrey Niffenegger is really an amazing writer- just the language she chooses and how it flows and how it can elicit particular reactions and emotions from the reader as if she can play you like a fiddle is kind of ridiculous.

The beginning was incredible. The characters blew my mind. [I am actually more in love with Robert than I was with Henry, which is unbelievable] The ending... blew. The ending blew hard. I kind of hated it. Fortunately, I am not the type of person to judge a story by its ending so I can still appreciate the novel and just re-write the ending in my head.

So, there's that. If you like ghost stories.. you should read it. If you like character-driven plot lines, you should read it. If you like unicorns and butterflies and good endings that make sense.. maybe not so much. That's all I'm gonna say.

[But you ALL should read The Time Traveler's Wife. Now.]

The Gift of Warmth

2010-01-08T10:16:00.006-05:00

May God grant you always...A sunbeam to warm you, a moonbeam to charm you, a sheltering Angel so nothing can harm you. Laughter to cheer you. Faithful friends near you. And whenever you pray, Heaven to hear you.
Irish Blessing

After I posted about the new online publication Rhythm of the Home, Lindsey from Memoirs of a Housewife fell in love with it just as I did. However, Lindsey actually has some knitting skills so when she saw the pattern for the newborn cocoon, she did not have to simply gaze longingly at it, while jabbing herself repeatedly in the index finger with a knitting needle, bleeding, and mumbling incoherently about the unfairness of the right-handed world. (If you cannot tell... I am having a bit of trouble getting my knitting ball rolling, so to speak- although I can cast on like you wouldn't believe...over...and over...and over again.)

Well, Lindsey took pity on my little one and his un-crafty Mama and did the most wonderful, beautiful thing; she sent Liam a cocoon!

I have been wanting to get him down to his diaper and show everyone how precious he looks snuggled in it, but I have not had the time for a genuine photo session; these more practical pictures will just have to do.

We have been using the cocoon like mad. We swaddle Liam in a receiving blanket and then stuff him inside. It is just his size! He looks like an adorable little caterpillar and it keeps him so cozy and warm.

He looks quite content, don't you think?

With Liam being such a little guy, keeping him warm is a top priority. Cold stress can make preemies very ill, very fast. In NICU, the babies are swaddled (sometimes with 2 blankets) and then layered with two or three cozy blankets on top. Obviously, because of SIDS... this is not an option at home and we have been struggling to find a balance between keeping his crib clear of blankets and keeping him nice and warm. The cocoon is our answer. Liam stays warm and Mama stays sane.

What a little peanut!
(Please kindly ignore the fact that the cocoon is inside out. Diaper changes in the middle of the night rarely include a thought coherant enough to fix things like this.)

So thank you so very, very much, Lindsey! It was such a kind and thoughtful gift. We are loving every minute of it.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Also, thank you Lindsey and Toni for the blog awards. I have not had a chance to pass them on, but I do appreciate you taking the time to recognize my blog and I will get on it as soon as possible!

A Soup Hiatus

2010-01-06T10:20:00.005-05:00

I am taking a brief pause from my Liam obsession to tell you about a miracle that occurred in our house a few weeks ago; a miracle the blows the miracle of life right out of the water (sorry Liam).

This is the sort of thing that I wished for in the way one wishes for unattainable things. I never expected to see it in my lifetime; however, when I saw a shooting star...or blew out all my candles on my cake... I simply could not help but wish just one more time, holding onto a tiny sliver of hope that maybe- just maybe- the cosmos would turn their kindness toward me for one brief instant and I would witness a miracle of epic proportions.

And then.... It Happened.

Any one of you that knows my husband at all knows that the man somehow sustains himself on carbs, sugar, meat and cheese- lots and lots of cheese. He might be one of the pickiest eaters on the planet- at least in the Top 20...although from the horror stories his mother has told me, he has come a long way from the endless days of chicken nuggets and hot dogs. However, our eating habits are still VASTLY different... which makes cooking meals at home an interesting affair.

In spite of the hard time I give him (and trust me, I give him a very hard time) I generally tend to indulge his limited culinary tastes. He redeems himself somewhat by being very good about trying new things (at least one spoonful) but I also don't want him to starve... so more often than not I stick to recipes that I know he will like- things made of condensed soup, noodles, and, you know... meat. I can occasionally slip in the unassuming vegetable or two if it is in a casserole or disguised with a sauce of some sort, but I don't really push it. However... every once in a great while, I get just a little bit sick of searching for "kid-friendly recipes" when looking for something new for dinner... and this is when Ryan knows he is in trouble.

A while back I found a recipe on soulemama.com that I wanted to try but was not sure that Ryan would find acceptable. It was for broccoli soup that the author's FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTER requested for her birthday. Yes... I was worried that my 25-year-old husband would turn his nose up at something that a 4-year-old considers a treat.

That is my life.

It had potatoes and it had cream... but I just knew those would be the only two redeeming qualities about the soup in Ryan's eyes. The lead role was played by a vegetable- a GREEN vegetable... followed closely by two more vegetables, one o f which had never before been on our table in any form or fashion.

But... I wanted to try it and after many days of Campbell's Kitchen recipes... I felt like I had earned it. So, I went out...I bought the ingredients... and I told Ryan I was making soup.

I told him it sounded good.
I told him I thought he would like it.
Pretty much.... I lied.

Ryan made shifty eyes at me as I chopped up the veggies and threw them in the pot. As the smell of cooking broccoli filled the air, he sniffed and crinkled his nose, nodding and smiling when I asked, "Doesn't that smell good?" When the soup went into the blender, he lifted an eyebrow....and then, much as one smothers a pill in peanut butter for their beloved pooch, I sprinkled some cheese on top and set the pot in front of him with fear and trembling.....

And then Ryan tasted it.
And then Ryan liked it.
And then Ryan ATE IT.

So as not to ruin this story, I will not tell you that since then Ryan has made no move toward the leftovers (and oh, was there leftovers- turns out the recipe can feed a family of 6). I will just revel in that empty bowl and enjoy my small victory.

There is a God. And He loves me.

Splish! Splash!

2010-01-03T23:32:00.007-05:00

Everything is a miracle. It is a miracle that one does not dissolve in one's bath like a lump of sugar.
Pablo Picasso

Sunday was a big day for Liam. He met his Mamaw and Papaw (Ryan's grandparents) as well as his Uncle Josh and Aunt Natalie ....and also had his very first bath at home with Mama and Papa:

edited by Papa.
[Liam says, "Thank you for censoring my junk, Papa. A guy needs a little privacy!"]

Although I asked the NICU nurses several times to allow me to sit in on one of Liam's baths.. it never happened. Bathing a 4 and a half pound squirming pile of baby is not in my skill set so I was slightly nervous; however "The Bath" was not nearly as terrifying as its reputation led us to believe.

We had been told that Liam hated baths... but he actually handled it handsomely. Maybe he saw the look of terror in our sleep deprived eyes and decided to have mercy on us (or simply feared for his safety) but we made it through the entire process with minimal squalling and carrying on.

So... The days are both flying and crawling. Ryan and I have been watching copious amounts of television (thank you, instant Netflix) and basically doing our best not to lose our minds in between feeding and changing and soothing and loving.

Liam had to go to the doctor this afternoon because of some nasal congestion. His pediatrician was booked so we got another doctor who reminded me of a very nice Russian grandpa. [His "th's" were actually "v's." I only thought vat happened on television!] He looked "L-eye-um"over and came to the conclusion that he may have a cold... but more than likely he has a bad case of brand-spanking new parents who are more than a bit paranoid.

Poor kid.

Flurries

2010-01-02T23:03:00.005-05:00

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
Lao Tzu

[4:00 a.m.]

2010-01-02T03:56:00.004-05:00

Most glorious night!
Thou wert not sent for slumber!
Lord Byron, Childe Harold

Turns out parenthood gets a lot more complicated when you actually have the child. Who knew?
But it is quite wonderful to be able to stare at his face whenever the mood strikes.

I do sort of wish the nurses would have warned us that Liam sleeps about as peacefully as a passing train. Maybe they didn't know because there is always so much going on in the NICU. He grunts. He moans. He whines. He squeals. Just when I am sure he is a awake and get up to check... he stops. Oh, my.

My mother said she was afraid my "mama instincts" would be a bit rusty since I have not been having to get up at night for the last two months.. but oh, n0- they are working quite well, thank you. Tonight Papa took over from 11:30 to 3 a.m. so I could sleep in the living room because I cannot rest in the same room with Liam at all. Now I am back on duty.

Everyone keeps telling me that he is fine but it is not that I am worried about his well-being. We have a monitor that let's me know all is well. [Even though the doctor canceled the order, we already had the monitor so we figured we would put it to good use until they come to pick it up.] It is that the child is a ridiculously noisy sleeper! All my plans for Liam to sleep in our room slowly diminish as the sleepless hours pass by. Getting up when he needs me is no problem at all. It is just staring at the ceiling in between while he squeals and carries on happily in dreamland that is causing a level a sleep deprivation that makes me feel sorry for anyone who has to encounter me.

Oh! I am now going to abruptly end this post because Liam is being quiet and I am going to try to catch a few winks.

But it must be mentioned: It is all so [so, so] worth it.

1 hour and 42 minutes

2010-01-01T12:56:00.001-05:00

my[very generous] estimation on the amount of sleep I got last night.

Oh, joy.

I will return with a more coherent blog when my brain is not so numb with exhaustion.
Coffee is my friend.

Bringing In The New Year

2009-12-31T13:46:00.004-05:00

...as a party of three.

Liam Eliot is home.

[New Year's] Intentions

2009-12-30T11:40:00.008-05:00

In this month's issue of Natural Awakening Magazine ,I read an article that changed the way I view New Year's Resolutions. The article is a tad bit over-the-top in its hippie-ish-ness... even more than my free love self can stomach, but it did make some interesting points.

It asserts that words are powerful. This is something I agree with whole-heartedly... yet I often let my mouth get the best of me: I can be quite the pessimist. As "intenders," the article says, " the key to manifesting anything is to picture the end result from the beginning—to see it as “a done deal,” and then hold that vision in mind until it actually appears in our three-dimensional world."

It also includes Ten Intentions for a Better World that I find fascinating. Like I mentioned, this is ridiculously hippie and you will probably find yourself chuckling at the lingo... but I do hope to employ these concepts.... in my own ways. Perhaps, you will find your own truth in these as well:

The First Intent - Support Life
I refrain from opposing or harming anyone. I allow others to have their own experiences. I see life in all things and honor it as if it were my own. I support life.

In my life, this intention will manifest itself as letting go of judgement this year- to stop criticizing and to love people unconditionally. This is something I never used to have any trouble with, but somewhere along the way I started to get jaded. I am choosing to let it go this year. It is not serving me in any way.

The Second Intent - Seek Truth
I follow my inner compass and discard any illusions that are no longer serving me. I go to the source. I seek truth.

I need to learn to accept truth that frightens me this year. Truth about myself mostly. I can be in denial... or I can face my flaws and work on them. Pretty simple really.

The Third Intent - Set Your Course
I begin the creative process. I give direction to my life. I set my course.

For me, these three aspects of setting your course represent different things:

Beginning my creative process: I have been saying for months [years, even] that I want to learn to sew and knit. Now, I have a sewing machine. I have knitting needles. I have how-to books. I Have. No. Excuses.

Give direction to my life: I am a Mama now. Liam gives me a sense of purpose and direction that I have never felt before.. but feeling is not enough. I have to do. There is so much I want to give to him and I can not do that without a specific direction.

I also need to set a healthier direction for my life: I need to have consistantly healthier eating habits. I need exercise to become part of my daily routine. I need to set a positive example for my family.

Set my course: Having a direction is not enough, you have to put one foot in front of the other and follow those directions. There are many aspects of my course. One aspect is going to be following the Couch-to-5k Running Plan. My friend McKenzie and her husband Matt told me about this plan last night and I looked it up this morning. I think it is great motivation.

The Fourth Intent - Simplify
I let go, so there is room for something better to come in. I learn to trust by lining up with the highest good and knowing that I am guided, guarded and protected at all times. I am open to receive from expected and unexpected sources. I simplify.

This means letting go of some of the commercialism that I have become so accustomed to. I do not need more stuff. I need to let go of some of the stuff I have and de-clutter.

It also means letting go of highly processed foods, refined sugar, and other junk that is cluttering my body with toxic waste. I want to simplify my home and my body- in turn, I want to simplify my spirit.

The Fifth Intent - Stay Positive
I see good, say good and do good. I accept the gifts from all of my experiences. I am living in grace and gratitude. I stay positive.

This is a very difficult one for me.. but probably the most important. Seeing the positive is something I struggle with daily. My mind naturally wanders to the dark side of things. I am often fearful of experiences because I see all that can go wrong. This is not healthy. It is not making me happy. Positive thinking will serve me so much better.

The Sixth Intent - Synchronize
I am in the flow, fulfilling my desires and doing what I came here to do. Allowing beauty to guide me, I step into the present, where great mystery and miracles abide. I synchronize.

From this, I take the "step into the present." I tend to focus so much on the future (often worrying about it more than anticipating it) that I miss the now that is so precious and fleeting. For instance, I have been so anxious to get my little one home that I have wished away the entire first 2 months of his life! I hurry when I should savor and that is something I want to change in myself this year.

The Seventh Intent - Serve Others
I practice love in action. I always have enough to spare and enough to share. I am available to help those who need it. I serve others.

Oooh. What a good one this is! I practice love in action. Serving others is something I am quite passionate about and yet my service is often short-lived because my own needs get into the way. This year, I want to find a place to plug in and be of service. I want to make a commitment to stick to it and not let things get in the way. I also want to teach Liam about serving others. I hope that one day it will be as natural as breathing to him. It brings such an unexpected peace and joy into your life- you are supposed to be helping someone else.. but it often turns out to be an even bigger blessing to you.

The Eighth Intent - Shine Your Light
I am a magnificent being, awakening to my highest potential. I express myself with joy, smiling easily and laughing often. I shine my light.

I think, in one way, this is an extension of positive thinking. I want to be a blessing to people this year. To find joy in life and share it with other. I also tend to be ridiculously shy (though you could never tell from how I blab on this blog)... and I think this can come across as snobby. It is terribly sad because I am not snobby at all. I really do love people. I want to overcome my shy nature. To smile when others frown and maybe, just maybe... turn their frowns upside down! [Oh, yeah... I went there.]

The Ninth Intent - Share Your Vision
I create my ideal world by envisioning it and telling others about it. I share my vision.

For this, I want to invite you to join me. First, in creating your own intentions. You could use this list.. or start from scratch. It can only do good things for you. Because it is an intention and not a resolution... you cannot fail! Small steps toward a greater purpose are still steps in the right direction.

Second, I would absolutely love it if any of you would like to do the Couch-to-5k program with me! I have already solicited my father.. and (although he doesn't know it yet) I am hoping Ryan will join me as well. It would be great if this is something that would help you meet your own fitness goals this year!

The Tenth Intent - Synergize
I see humanity as one. I enjoy gathering with lighthearted people regularly. When we come together, we set the stage for Great Oneness to reveal itself. We synergize.

I am not entirely sure how I feel about the "Great Oneness"... but I do want to remember that people are just people. A person with an opinion I do not agree with is not the devil. He (or she) is not out to get me- to anger me- to make my life miserable. She (or he) is just a person who looked at something in life and came to a different conclusion than I did... and.. That. Is. Okay.

I also wish to spend more time with friends and family this year. Carving out time in my life to have a cup of coffee and catch up with people I care for, to go visit loved ones who live far away, to stay in touch with other human beings. With a new baby at home, I know this is going to be a challenge... but life is too short and relationships are absolutely the most important thing we have. People are too precious to be wasted.

And that, my friends, is that.

Would you like to share your New Year's Intentions with me?

Quiet Time

2009-12-29T10:10:00.001-05:00

All is quiet on the Liam front. We are simply awaiting his Thursday morning test results which will let us know if his CRP levels are low enough for him to come home. If they are, he will be joining us that afternoon!

I am heading down to Georgia to spend some time with my dear McKenzie and stay the night with my parents. It will [hopefully] be the last time I can just up and go to Georgia. Soon... life will revolve around one very little man with one very big personality....

and an appetite to match!

To Ryan, With Love

2009-12-28T12:42:00.003-05:00

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
`
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
`
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
`
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Pablo Neruda

Interesting. Very Interesting.

2009-12-27T12:16:00.004-05:00

Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.
Eliza Tabor

Oh, life... why do you mess with me so?

Ryan and I thought we would be getting a little Christmas miracle. I was so excited to tell you about it! Liam was all set to be discharged on Christmas Eve. We roomed in Wednesday night and everything went swimmingly... until 5 a.m.

Liam's temperature dropped to about 95 degrees and would not come back up until he was under the warmers. I personally believe it has something to do with the room being too cold and the nurse stripping him to his diaper for 10 minutes while she weighed him.. but what do I know? They did some tests and his CRP (otherwise known as c-reactive protein) was way elevated, which indicated that he may have an infection. (It could also be caused by his vaccinations but, coupled with the temperature drop, it freaked everyone out.) They started him on antibiotics, stopped his feedings, and gave him a blood transfusion (his red blood cell count was a bit low; not crazy low.. just a bit). They also did a lumbar puncture to see how his spinal fluid was looking.

And I... cried.

48 hours later his tests were all still negative and his CRP levels had dropped from 4.0 to 1.8; however, they like the levels to be under 1 so he will be on 7 days of antibiotics "just to be safe".... although they have no idea what they are saving him from. They will re-evaluate the situation on the 31st and we will find out if Liam will be coming home for New Year's.

Liam, on his part, has not acted sick in any way. He is as feisty as ever... and still loves to eat. He is gaining weight (4 lbs, 3 oz!) and being cute.

Perhaps Liam just couldn't stand to leave his ladies for the holidays.

Ryan and I are doing our best to find the bright side: a little more time under the close watch of the neonatologists and nurses won't hurt Liam. It will give him a chance to gain a little more weight and be a little less fragile before coming home. Also, if his body is fighting something off, he is in the best place he can be. And we have a little more time to prepare, a few more quiet days to be together and a few more full nights of sleep before life is invaded by our little gremlin.

In Case of Emergency

2009-12-23T09:44:00.004-05:00

It's queer how ready people always are with advice in any real or imaginary emergency, and no matter how many times experience has shown them to be wrong, they continue to set forth their opinions, as if they had received them from the Almighty!
Ann Sullivan

Ryan's lovely great-aunt Judy brought back a fabulous gypsy-ish bag from India and I happened to become the recipient. I love it a lot.

In my travels back and forth from the NICU, it has become my costant companion. Inside you will find:

1. My laptop (an acer netbook that we affectionately refer to as "Ruby")
2. A camera (to catch all of Liam's adorableness)
3. The cable to the camera (to immediately download said adorableness onto said laptop and share)
4. Notebooks (for notes... and grocery lists... and the like)
5. Books (currently Homemade by Reader's Digest as well as Anne of Ingleside- the sixth book in the Anne of Green Gables series, which you can actually read in its entirety here. Oh, how I love Anne Shirley.)
6. Chapstick (currently Badger Organic Cocoa Butter Lip Balm in Lime Rocket)
7. Granola Bars, water mix-ins, and my way awesome water bottle (saving the planet- one sip at a time!)
8. A flash drive+ mp3 player (in one!)
9. My phone (self-explanitory, I believe)

Soo.. I am pretty much set to go. I am sure many other preemie moms had their own version of a survival tote....

However..... I may not be needing my tote much longer.
Hmm.....

Tune in soon for some VERY EXCITING NEWS!!

I Do Believe in Binkies! I Do! I Do!

2009-12-21T12:13:00.004-05:00

Babies are such nice ways to start people.
Don Herold

If you had asked me while I was pregnant whether or not I would allow Liam to have a pacifier the answer would be a resounding, "no!" In fact... it was a resounding no each and every time my mother brought it up. However, in this as in many things, our reality has re-shaped our philosophy. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why Liam will, in fact, be a binkie baby:

The child has a great, overwhelming need to suck AT. ALL. TIMES. If for whatever reason his very fancy vanilla scented pacifier is not at his lips, his fingers are a fine replacement. And while it is very, very cute... it is also an extremely difficult habit to break; whereas pacifiers can conveniently disappear.. fingers cannot (well, it is technically possible.. if you are keen on having DEFAX called on your ass). And so, while I cannot say that I am entirely happy about it... Liam will continue to have pacifiers at his disposal. For a little while at least. Spoiled.

[You'd spoil him too. Look at that face!]

So, ladies, what is your paci-opinion?

[Christmas] Wish

2009-12-20T19:01:00.003-05:00

to "be the good I wish to see in the world."

Another First

2009-12-18T15:41:00.007-05:00

It's when ordinary people rise above the expectations and seize the opportunity that milestones truly are reached.

Liam Eliot tends to be a rather messy eater... so today, after he dribbled a fourth of his bottle down the front of his shirt, I decided to change his clothes by myself.. for the very first time.

Dirty.

A brief pause for nude shots, of course.

Clean!

I did my very best and Liam was quite patient with me. He watched me solomnly without so much as a peep.

The look on his face tells me Liam is realizing what a klutz he has for a Mama.

But I think he loves me anyway.

I wish I could share every single picture I take of him with you- they all (all 178 of them.. each visit) turn out so precious. I would if it would not totally crash your browser.. and if I didn't know I am the only one who can truly appreciate the 57th shot of him playing with his hands.

Each new experience is a small reminder that our little one will be coming home soon. Sooner than I ever expected really. Today Liam is 3 lbs, 12 oz. and his doctor is letting him bottle-feed at every other feeding. He nurses during his gavage feedings and he is great at both. (The tape on his nose is to keep his feeding tube in place- he managed to pull it out a few times a day, so they got a bit more aggressive with the adhesive). The biggest news is that they are stopping his caffeine therapy because he has not had any serious spells since the 14th! If he does well without the caffeine we could have him home... *drumroll please* by NEW YEAR'S! And that is without monitors or medication.

What a beautiful way to start 2010.

Rewind

2009-12-17T08:56:00.005-05:00

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
Franklin P. Jones

I am getting to spend this cold winter day with three of my favorite kids. It is such a blessing. Because there is no way to predict what tomorrow may bring, I have not yet been able to return to work... and I miss them all terribly. Filling in for the fill-in every once in awhile keeps me from going through withdraw.

This morning, we bundled up for a winter walk.. but little red noses and chattering chins had us turning around rather quickly. We shed our hats and mittens and I made some (kid-friendly) Mexican-style hot cocoa, which was slurped down with enthusiasm.

[Though it must be mentioned that this has nothing on actual Mexican hot chocolate- which I will have to share with you sometime very soon.]

We spent the rest of the morning reading and dancing and laughing... and I soaked it all in. Kids change so quickly. In the few weeks I have been gone these kids are hardly recognizable: lisps are fading, teeth have been lost, inches were gained... and new skills are mastered!

When I was little I was always so puzzled by adults who told me to stop growing. Oh, you know the ones: "You are getting so tall! We are just going to have to put a brink on your head!" Say what?!

....and now... I get it. I totally get it.

Rhythm of the Home

2009-12-16T12:49:00.008-05:00

Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.

Hans Christian Anderson

The things is... Ryan and I seem to fall very easily into survival mode. It can be a problem. The last few weeks, life with Liam has been entirely about survival. We were just happy to see the sun rise on another day and know that we are all still here and still in one piece. And that was enough.

Yesterday morning as I felt the excitement of the other graduates swirl around me while we waiting for the ceremony to begin... I was reminded of something: survival is pointless if you are not enjoying life. A few weeks ago, I was not sure I would even be there to enjoy that day.. and now it has happened. Life goes on and on and on. If you are just muddling through... there is really nothing to survive for is there?

Liam is doing so very well- he is gaining weight, feeding well on both bottle and breast, and his spells are minor. This morning whispers of "maybe he will be home by Christmas" were heard for the very first time. I have been sitting next to him for the last two hours, watching him sleep peacefully and realizing that I want so much more for him than just making it. I have been so focused on those monitors that I have forgotten the very reason I want his heart to beat. This entire experience has derailed my dreams for him and for our family and it is time to get things back on track- now... before Liam leaves the hospital so that he can enter a peaceful home and become part of a healthy, happy family.

I decided to give my blog a bit of a face-life- I hope you like it. I wanted to do this because I want to start this blog in a new direction. A direction that focuses on life rather than the act of surviving it. An updated look to go with a new direction seemed in order.

So, as my first step in my new and improved direction I want to tell you about a beautiful family website called Rhythm of the Home.

It is a free, online magazine published quarterly. [There is also a blog that is having a giveaway- enter for a chance to win some advertising space or lovely crafting tid-bits.] I learned about Rhythm of the Home from another blog I have been enjoying called Shivaya Naturals, which is written by one of the contributors to the publication, and I have been enjoying this first edition quite a lot.

There is so much in the magazine that I love and so many projects my hands are just itching to try out. Also, the articles are substantial- no fluffy blurbs to be found! It is really fantastic.

One article I enjoyed was Jumping into Books by Valarie Budayr. The author talks about her family reading time and how books came alive in her home. She includes a reading suggestion and art projects to go along with the book. I believe I love this article because books are so important to me and I hope to pass the love I have for them onto Liam. I feel that reading spurs a child's imagination in ways that nothing else can and there are so many books that I cannot wait to share with my little one.

It was extraordinarily difficult to pick just one article to share with you. I forced myself to pick only one because otherwise I would be here all day and you would have nothing left to read! I hope that you will take a moment to check out Rhythm of the Home because I know you will find something to enjoy as well.

I know that I will be a frequent visitor as our family finds and settles into our own rhythm.

Under Construction

2009-12-15T22:57:00.001-05:00

... obviously.

[Have patience with me while I re-work my site and be on the lookout for the new and improved ME! :) ]

Nana and Pop

2009-12-14T21:04:00.007-05:00

Never have children, only grandchildren.

Gore Vidal

Nana and Pop have been just itching to get their hands on Liam. They made it up here in lightning speed when I told them the day had come!

Mama, Nana and Liam.
(in case you are curious about the gown- My Mother, The Nurse insisted on wearing it.)

She made Pop wear one too!
I hope Liam will feel the same warm, comforting familiarity from my father's hands as I do.

They also took an updated Haddock family photo.
I am not entirely sure what is up with me... but my boys are both looking so handsome!

And just for fun..

An example of what flash does on a skin tone commonly referred to as DEATH. [And just so you know... I even toned this down quite a bit just so it wouldn't blind you or short out your screen. Your welcome.]

Oh, Sigh. Between Ryan and I... our poor child is practically going to be a vampire. You know... hopefully without all the fangs, coffins, blood-sucking... or lifeless dialogue and co-dependant relationships. [That was a not so subtle Twilight dig.. just in case you didn't pick up on it.]

Next post coming to you from the proud owner of a B.A. in English! Wish me luck! [For a klutz like me, walking across the stage to receive a diploma in front of thousands of people... in HEELS.... is pretty much the stuff my nightmares are made of. Eek.]

I Shall Return

2009-12-14T13:57:00.006-05:00

I know. I know. I am a bad, bad blogger- my posts have been terribly inconsistent lately. But it is all for an AWFULLY good cause:

I GRADUATED...
or... I will be graduating- tomorrow morning at 10:00 a.m.
I made it!

This year I have gleaned the titles of:
Wife
Homeowner
Mama
and now.. COLLEGE GRADUATE!

Seriously, it's time for a break.
No. Seriously.

I will back with your regularly scheduled blog posts in the next couple of days. Liam is doing well- He has been breast-feeding quite enthusiastically the last couple of days. He is about 3 lbs, 8 oz.... and his PICC line has been removed which makes holding him much less intimidating. Nana and Pops held him for the first time last night (pictures soon) and Grams and Gramps will get their turn tonight. He is getting to be such a big boy! I cannot believe I will not be seeing him today or most of tomorrow. It is hurting my heart, but Ryan believes that I will regret it if I do not participate in the ceremony tomorrow... and he is probably right. I had to come down to Georgia to tie up some last loose ends and I miss him so much.

But, maybe one day Liam will be proud of his college-educated Mama.

I'm a Big Kid Now

2009-12-09T21:14:00.009-05:00

Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments.
Rose Kennedy

Well, my professor made a big mistake: he gave us another day to work on our papers... therefore enabling my natural procrastinating nature. However, I am still only one day away from graduation- of course... my own graduation has been completely and totally trumped but a wee little man we all know and love:

Liam's thinking outside the box!

I mean... really.. how do you expect me to do school work when I have this to stare at?:

And it is so much easier now that I do not have to peer at him through thick plastic.
And it is so much more enjoyable than staring at a screen wringing my brain for a few more sad drops of knowledge on Robert Lowell. [Who I do not know nor love.]

True story.

Liam's world: Now weighing a whopping 3 lbs 6 oz, Liam is sleeping in a big boy bed [as you can see]. He gets to wear teeny, tiny clothes and use his very own blankets! Tomorrow his run of antibiotics for that nasty yeast infection will be through... but he has now started some oral meds for elevated... something or other... caused by prolonged use of who knows what. [Does not asking 562 questions about medical procedures I have no hope of understanding make me a bad mother?] He had to have his 4th blood transfusion this afternoon but has been off his cannula for a couple of days and so far handling it well. And.. *drumroll please* has been cleared by the doctor to try breastfeeding!

Oh..... and he does precious, squishy things like this:

And makes his Mama and Papa so very happy.

A Brief Note Concerning My Absence

2009-12-08T09:40:00.006-05:00

Achilles absent, was Achilles still.
Homer

I have not been posting as frequently as usual because my brain is otherwise occupied. In two days, after five and a half years of struggles and heartache and the painful, yet satisfying, stretching of the mind.... I will be done with school.

For. Ev. Er.

Now, I am not entirely sure that I will graduate. I wish that I was.. but, I'm just not. I have tried my best under the circumstances... but it has been a strange few weeks and I know that my work has not been brilliant. All I can hope for is mercy and a good dose of luck. However, whatever happens... I will be done after tomorrow. Done. I was not sure if I would ever be done.

If I do not graduate.. I am sure I will return to finish later- some day when our family is complete and I am feeling restless. [So, in that case you can disregard my massive "For.Ev.Er" above. ] But FOR. NOW. .... it is time for this phase in my life to be over.

At the moment, I have three assignments to be turned in. Three assignments away from the end: two are almost completed and one.... well.... one is going to take a good deal of determination and brain power to finish in time. I have to have everything finished before I close my eyes to sleep tomorrow night. Wish me luck!

And, here is a good dose of cuteness for you until I return on Thursday:

What is this THING doing taped to my face again! I do not like it one little bit.

Hmmm... I need a cunning plan to facilitate its removal.
I GOT IT!

Step 1: Lay still... and look very, very, very, cute.

Step 2: Wait until they least expect it and then.....grab repeatedly at my face until I get a finger hooked underneath and YANK!
[Okay- so it isn't quite brilliant; I'm a baby... give me a break!]

Gah! Thwarted by Papa. He is making eyebrows at me... I will make them back.

Well.. that is just fine. I will continue with step one... because...you can't hold me forever, you know. Soon, I will be back in my box... and then......

Victory SHALL BE MINE!

[Christmas] Wish

2009-12-07T03:43:00.006-05:00

...to experience the world "God intended to speak before we decided to finish his sentence."

Well, How Neat!

2009-12-02T22:18:00.012-05:00

Lindsey at Memoirs of a Housewife gave me this award... and that makes me feel quite special:

I must admit... I am not entirely sure I understand the rules of this game, but I'm going to try! Thank you so very much, Lindsey!

Okay. Let me do my best to follow along.

The Rules:

Share 7 things that you don't already know about me.
Name 7 other blogs to receive this award.
Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated.
Thank the person who gave you the award.

So. My 7 things (which you may or may not know about me; I am pretty much an open book so you may have heard it all before):

1. I conceived my child approximately 3 months after getting married- after two days off the pill... while (more than likely) using protection- can you say potent much?! Liam's due date was the day before our first wedding anniversary and I did not know I was pregnant until I was 9 weeks along. Liam is the absolute definition of SURPRISE!!

2. This weekend, my husband:

Met.. my ex-boyfriend:

Need I say more? Okay, one word more: AWKWARD! But... only for me. They had the nerve to LIKE EACH OTHER! [P.s.- they met when Scott came to our house and did some electrical work for us because he is wow... with a side of awesome. Truly.]

3. I attended private, Christian school from pre-k to 12th grade- plaid skirts, knee highs, school-girl stereotypes and all. Furthermore, I attended approximately 12 different private schools during my education for various reasons. [It should be mentioned that I am, in fact, NOT planning on ever sending any of my children to private school unless they specifically ask for it... however, I am most likely going to homeschool... and some would argue that might be worse. Ha, ha.]

4. My mother is Italian... and I HATE tomatoes. She thinks I was switched at birth.

5. My hair has been [1] Maroon [2] Blue [3] Purple [4] Green [5] Fire Red and [6] Black. I cycle through according to my mood. Maybe some new choices are in order?

6. I will be graduating with my B.A. in English in a couple of weeks. *FINGERS CROSSED* I started out as an Early Childhood Education major and switched it the semester I would have started student teaching- yeah, really. I hope to one day get my Master's in Library Sciences because books... are my refuge.

7. Ryan and I have matching tattoos:Agape is a Greek word for love: divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love. There is a story behind the tatoo... it's meaning... and why we have them etched forever on our wrists, but I will save that for another day.

Next- 7 other blogs:

1. That's My Baby. The title of Julia's blog is pretty catchy, don't ya think? We became fast friends at babyfit.com (an amazing resource by the way). Her precious little girl is going to be coming soon and I am excited!

2. A Bitty Blog. [Another catchy title- I am sort of jealous of this title creativity that I apparently didn't get!] Gretchen is the mom of another adorable preemie boy. She just posted some great "Then and Now" shots. I can't get over how much her son has changed! I am so looking forward to Liam's own comparison shots. One day....

3. The Peanut Blog. Becky is another great mom of another sweet preemie boy. And her blog also gives me something to look forward to! [Plus another great title!]

4. Kingz- (Apparently I am a preemie blog whore.) Elisa is a gorgeous little girl right about Liam's age (both actual and adjusted). While I would never wish this experience on anyone.. it is certainly comforting to be able to find other's going through something similiar.

5. Green and Crafty- someone else with a skill I envy. Tristan's crafting skills are pretty much amazing.

6. Mommy Lawyer -another lovely babyfit friend, and a home-school mama! I hope I will be able to get some good tips.

7. The Woodwards- another new blogging friend, Meghan, with an adorable little girl and a baby on the way!

And then.... another big, fat thank you to Lindsey- who chose me. :)
How fun! Who's next?

Advent

2009-12-02T13:10:00.009-05:00

...every beating heart in the hundreds of thousands of breasts there, is, in some of its imaginings, a secret to the heart nearest it.
Charles Dickens

While I was pregnant I spent a lot of time, as most pregnant women do, wondering how the future would look: How would we interact and relate with our children? How will we respond to their hopes and dreams? How will we respond to their fears and their transgressions? What will it feel like to sit around our family dinner table? How will we spend our time together? What will fill those quiet in-between moments only a family shares in together? What memories will we create? What will our holidays look like? What will our traditions be?

I am looking so forward to carrying on old holiday traditions in our family.. as well as creating new ones of our very own. An article I read recently in Blush magazine (you can read it in their virtual magazine on page 22- pretty neat) planted at least one idea for a new tradition in my mind.

The author of the article is discussing her family's tradition of writing "unwrappable" wish lists. Things like favorite holiday foods you wish to make or places you wish to go, a movie you would like to watch, or an activity you are hoping to do together as a family could be included... or perhaps you are a global thinker (Amy Grant would be proud) and would like to wish for world peace or a cure for AIDS.

I really liked this idea. I absolutely love the holiday season... but, oddly, I can only remember a handful of the presents I received under our Christmas tree. What I remember is... falling asleep in a sleeping bag by the fireplace while watching It's a Wonderful Life, giggling with my brother while we tried to decide who was going to wake my parents up, baking big, soft ginger cookies with my mom, playing in the snow, and going to look at Christmas lights in our new pajamas on Christmas eve.

I have so many of these sorts of memories.. I could not even begin to share them with you all and yet so very few of them have anything at all to do with things.

Everyone is always complaining that the holiday season has become overly commercialized and lost its meaning, but I am not entirely sure I agree. Businesses do their very best to convince us that the holidays are about giving and receiving presents- the bigger (and more expensive) the better. Americans are supposed to love each other in dollar signs because that helps a free market economy stay on its feet, I suppose. But.. it has nothing to do with me or you.. or anything at all, really. I believe that if you take a moment to think about your favorite holiday moments... they will still have very little to do with any particular present.. and even if it does, it was probably more about the moment- the thought that was put into it and the love the surrounded it- than the actually object itself. We just... forget that sometimes.

Our family holidays will end up looking like so much else in our lives- an eclectic mix of various ideas that we have stitched together to create something of our very own. A little Advent here- a little Solstice there- old traditions and new- some gifts made with love, some time spent together... and a few shiny new toys for good girls and boys. No need to get stressed out. No need to go into debt. Simple and Special.

This "unwrappable" wish list is a lovely way to remind ourselves what is important at the end of that proverbial day. So.. I will share my list with you little by little throughout this Advent season, and I hope you will share yours with me in return.

Happy Holidays from our little peppermint twist!

grati-tuesday

2009-12-01T13:41:00.004-05:00

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.
Thornton Wilder

Well, today I have thought of three things that I am feeling very grateful for and I could not narrow it down... so...just... DEAL WITH IT. kthanks.

First of all, I am so very grateful for all the wonderful advice and support I have gotten from ladies through this blog and on various message boards and such. I have never been an active participant in any message boards, chat rooms, or support groups. I have never made connections with people over the internet (due to a very scary incident when I was 14. i.e. a STALKER who showed up AT MY HOUSE after I gave him my phone number and was not the 16 year old boy he claimed to be on the christian message board my parents let me subscribe to... but a 20-something year old psycho who decided he was in love with me. Oh, stupidity). However, when this particular life event rolled around.. it became clear pretty quickly that I would need some outside input from others who had been through a similar situation and it has really been a lifesaver. I found support through babyfit during my pregnancy and have found a wonderful group of preemie parents who are all so willing to answer any question, no matter how silly, through babycenter. It has been truly overwhelming and I find it rather amazing how people all over the country (and even the world) can come together and support each other. It is a very real blessing.

The responses to my pumping question were all so fantastic and I have taken and applied as much of the advice I received as I possibly could. I am already noticing a slight increase in my supply. I was barely getting the bottles wet and today I have gotten about an ounce at every pumping so far. The lactation consultant called me this morning. (The NICU nurses let her know that I was having some trouble) and suggested Reglan so I called my OB/GYN and will be picking up the prescription this afternoon. I think the risk of being stuck bottle-feeding my own child outweighs, in my mind, any side effects of the medicine. I know that there is really nothing wrong with relying on formula.. but it is really very important to me to be able to breastfeed Liam if at all possible.

So.. that is what is happening with that.. and again THANK YOU to all the wonderful ladies who took the time to give me so much wonderful advice. It is really making a difference.

Next.... I am exceedingly grateful for the NEGATIVE pregnancy test I received this morning.... (yeah, I know you are all DYING to know the story behind that one.. but 'nough said.)

Fiinally... and most importantly... I am feeling very grateful that Liam is the only baby in our NICU right now. I know that sounds a little bit strange.. and, of course, I would much rather this all be behind us, but his last two little buddies were discharged this morning and I am just thinking about how wonderful those families must be feeling to have their babies home for the holiday season. When Liam was born there were 14 other babies in the NICU... and as the weeks have gone by every single one of them has gone home.. and not a single new baby has been admitted. To me this is a wonderful thing.

And.. what are you feeling grateful for today?

The Episode in Which Michelle is Milked Like a Cow

2009-11-30T12:01:00.004-05:00

I don't believe that you have to be a cow to know what milk is.
Ann Landers

So.. yesterday, I walked into the NICU and heard the 5 words I have been dreading for some time now: "We are out of milk."
The freezer was packed with frozen breast milk for Liam.. however, his feedings have gone up and up and up and, obviously this is fantastic, but on the other side of things- my milk supply has gone down and down and down and as I watched the frozen backup dwindle away, I knew the day was coming when I would have to start attempting to actually keep up with him. Ug.

Liam does NOT want formula!

I am not entirely sure what to do. Advice is welcome. I am pumping every 3 hours for 15-20 minutes. I am drinking like a fish. I am taking Fenugreek and doing my best to eat a nutritious diet.. and I consider myself lucky if I get an ounce at every pumping. I started out doing very well.. but now my body seems to be doing it's absolute best to dry out. I tried increasing pumping to every 2 hours but this didn't do anything except make me ridiculously sore. They have already had to cut Liam's milk with formula once and I hated it. He spit up way more than usual and... the entire concept of putting fake milk into his little body makes me uncomfortable. I plan on talking to the lactation consultant today or tomorrow if things don't pick up.. but I will take all the advice I can get.

Other than being a hungry little sucker and stressing his Mama out, Liam is doing FANTASTIC. He has been completely off his cannula for two days now (pictures of his precious cannula free face soon) and has only had a couple of mild spells. His oxygen saturation hovers between 90-100% most of the time.. with absolutely no help at all! He is kind of amazing.

His weight is still hanging out around 3 lbs. because he is a little bit too wild for his own good. They have started swaddling him to try to reduce his movement and keep him from burning so many calories- they are also supplementing my milk in an attempt to fatten him up.

We have been holding him every day.. and loving every minute of it- something tells me he enjoys it too.

We know that it is highly unlikely.. but we can't help but hope that we will have him home for Christmas- what a present that would be!

I hope everyone has a blessed holiday and is looking forward to this wonderful season!

More Flying of Time.

2009-11-27T00:18:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
William Shakespeare

Liam [and Mama and Papa] are feeling shocked at the realization that he is ONE MONTH OLD TODAY! And while he still quite tiny, he is also very mighty- and he surprises us every day with how quickly he is changing.

For now, it appears that Liam Eliot is headed down the path that will lead him home. We still have a long way to go but every day that passes is a day behind us. This experience has certainly been a lesson in patience. Liam is teaching us to count every moment as a blessing and to search for every small victory in those moments.[Sigh. Teaching us things at a month old- just who does he think he is?.... Well, I suppose we were destined for a know-it-all. You understand if you have met his Papa. ]

We are quite eager to bring our little one home. There is so much life to be living and world to be exploring; so many things we want to share with him and love we need to smother him in. However, as the days go by and we watch Liam began to grow and thrive- rather than simply struggling to survive, the waiting is getting easier because we are beginning to see the end more clearly.

And it is looking like a happily ever after.

Gobble.Gobble.

2009-11-26T08:23:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving, after all, is a word of action.
W.J. Cameron

Oh, happy day of gluttony! Wait... you mean there is a meaning behind this day besides gorging oneself on massive quantities of food- turkey and stuffing and pie, oh my!- and then propelling your massive body forward onto the nearest soft surface to watch large men in tight pants give each other concussions over an oddly shaped ball? WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME!?!

We have a lot to be thankful for this holiday. A lot, a lot. So much that it would take a thousand words... so... you know what they say about pictures. Here are the things I am most grateful for:

Liam Eliot- my sweet little button [now weighing 2 lbs 15 oz; breathing easy and growing like a weed- well, a very cute weed... maybe a dandelion or something]

We have our own little turkey this Thanksgiving.
And apparently our little turkey is already a great, big ham!
[Another thing to be grateful for. I occasionally get lonely in my hamming. It will be nice to have the company. I don't know how many times I heard my dad say, "Put that tongue away before I rip it off!" Huh... Wow... that is... really violent- I never thought about how violent that was before. You know what, Liam? You stick that tongue out! Wiggle it around a little. Enjoy life! ]

And finally...My boys. I am very, very, very grateful for my boys.

Happy Thanksgiving from the Haddock Clan!

Words? What Words?

2009-11-25T11:03:00.002-05:00

I don't generally subscribe to "Wordless Wednesday" on account of I like to talk to much... and because whenever Wednesday rolls around I get so disappointed because I know that most of the blogs I follow will be lacking in the witty banter and words of wisdom I so enjoy and look forward to. I confess: I do not like Wordless Wednesday. Don't hate me, internet.

However, today... I am holed up in the library working on a massive paper that is due... oh, a week ago or so... and cannot [cannot, cannot, cannot] waste the many minutes [ok, HOURS] I usually do on browsing/blogging/messaging/etc. I MUST FOCUS! On Robert Lowell and his gosh-darn confessional antics. Also.. there is not much to update you on in the way of Liam- nothing is changing today. He is still doing quite well. So.. I will cocede just this once to participate in Wordless Wednesday- although.. I suppose I have already broken the rules with this rather long, rambling introduction.

I am going to share with you one of the first pictures ever taken of me and my love:

2007.

I could stand to lose a few pounds and Ryan could stand to gain a few, Mr. Bones. But.. man.. was life simple. We had just found each other and had no idea what craziness was in store for us yet. In just a few weeks, life would start to get messy- and sometimes I would wonder what I had gotten myself into. We have yet to get ourselves cleaned up. It has been one thing after another after another... and there are times we just look at each other and wonder when we will get a break. But... I love my messy life with Ryan. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

grati-tuesday

2009-11-24T10:10:00.001-05:00

Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone.
G.B. Stern

So.. I just have to take a moment to say that my little rock star [who I held yesterday- don't know if I mentioned that at all. It was just this little thing that happened. No biggie.] is 4 weeks old today... and that is amazing to me. On Friday, we will be able to say we are the proud parents of a 1 month old- which is strange because in my head I still label him in gestational weeks [of which he is 33 as of last Saturday].

For the most part, Liam is doing quite well. We have not heard another peep from the yeast infection so the antibiotics are doing their job. He is on room air and his cannula is down to 2 liters which he is tolerating pretty fantastically. He is getting most of his nutrition directly from breast milk now- they cut way back on his fluids and he is not receiving any fats or proteins at all through his IV anymore. His blood sugar has been running a bit low since the switch and he lost 2 oz... but we have been assured he will work it all out. When we call to check on him we mostly just hear about his "behavioral issues" now- he is constantly pulling out his cannula because he can no longer get to his feeding tube; they ran it down his nose because he was forever pulling it out of his mouth.. and his vent is taped quite firmly to his face. So, he yanks on the cannula.. and somehow manages to tie his monitor wires in knots.. and, at one point, propelled himself off his bed and into the crevice between the wall of his isolette and his bed's platform. He is even able to get his head up when he is laying on his belly... which he has no business doing this early.

Man.. I am in trouble.

Ah, well... I will enjoy my little troublemaker. On to my gratitude for the day: today... I am taking a moment to be grateful for... education.

After Liam was born I was pretty sure I would not be graduating in December as planned.. but my professors surprised me by allowing me to do everything from home. Today is a good day to remember how grateful I should be for that opportunity.. or really, just the opportunity to get an education at all because today.. I have to right a 15 page paper and I am not feeling particularly grateful about it.

Going to college has never been easy- academically, it was not a real problem, but financially was another story- and I even had a scholarship! It was always stressful attempting to juggle work (sometimes two jobs- one time 3!) and school. There were many times when I started to wonder how worth it that little piece of paper really was. When I decided to switch my major and tack on an extra few semesters, I often thought about giving up.. and when I got pregnant with Liam... it really called the entire thing into question because the desire of my heart is to stay at home and take care of my family (you can read about that here) and no one was going to ask to see my diploma before hiring me for that job. However, I really am grateful that I was able to go to college... that I have somehow found a second [and third and fourth and fifth... and many more] wind when I felt like giving up.. and that, in spite of recent life events, I have been given the opportunity to cross the finish line.

There is still a light at the end of the tunnel. There is just a 15 page paper, a portfolio, about 73 Latin poem and story translations, a test, another test, and another test... standing in the way. Today, I am grateful for the opportunity.. and I am praying that in a few weeks.. I will be grateful that I am a college graduate!

and He really, really, REALLY loves me.

2009-11-23T21:33:00.001-05:00

So.. remember last post when I talked about finding Liam's crib set for $15.00 and how awesome it was and how it seemed like that was pretty much the greatest thing EVER?!

Well... scratch that.

It cannot be the greatest thing ever because the greatest thing ever just happened to me. Right now. Right this very minute.

For real this time.

Tonight......

I held Liam. I really and truly held him.... for a very long time.

I started to type out the whole story- how the nurse was so surprised and a bit angry that no one had let me hold him yet and how light he was in my arms and how he just stared at me quietly until he drifted off to sleep... but then I realized that I like that it is my story. I did not have a camera and no one was there to watch me.. and I am so glad. I am glad that it was just me and him in that quiet corner of the hospital. It is a memory that I will always have all to myself- one that I will relive often when I am cleaning his skinned knees, and wiping his runny nose, and kissing him good-night. It is what I will remember the first time he goes to school... and when takes a girl to a dance...and drives off in his first car.. and goes to college and.... when I kiss him on his wedding day.. and the first time I hold his baby.

It will always just be me and him in the quiet corner of the hospital.

Best. Day. Ever.

There is a God.. and He Loves Me!!

2009-11-23T13:03:00.002-05:00

God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning

So.. remember a couple of posts ago when I talked about my Wii Fit Plus and how awesome it was that I could use it and how it seemed like that was pretty much the greatest thing EVER?!

Well... scratch that.

It cannot be the greatest thing ever because the greatest thing ever just happened to me. Right now. Right this very minute.

Ryan and I decided to do a bird theme in Liam's room long before he was born. Not a typical cutesy baby bird theme... more of an Etsy, crafty bird theme... in chocolate brown and sage green. In my head.. it looks marvelous. Unfortunately, there was one slight problem with this plan: apparently.. someone decided that birds are for girls...and didn't send me the memo. WTF? I must have clocked a good 47 hours, 22 minutes, and 56 seconds (not that I was counting) looking for bird themed nursery items that were not slathered in pink and surrounded by gigantic multi-color flowers! It was rather frustrating.

Early on, we stumbled across this crib set pictured to the right at Babies R Us. In most ways... it was just right. The colors are gorgeous, it is organic cotton, and the nature pattern would work perfectly... except... [there is always an except in my life] for the random green bunny rabbits that are scattered in various places.

There was great rending of clothes and knashing of teeth. To be fair, it is called Bunny Meadow... so.. it isn't like we weren't warned.... but it was just so disappointing.

So skip forward a few months- you know... watch my belly grow in super speed, ROC, pre-e, hospital, IV, [tonight? Thursday? tonight? Thursday?] TONIGHT- Ah! epideral, surgery, Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, dear Liam...... roller coaster blood pressures, 8 days later, go home..... waiting... waiting... baby shower (remind me to tell you about that! It was great fun!) and STOP!

Right here.

We went to that baby mega superstore we all know and love to make a couple of [reluctant] returns. And there, right before my very eyes.... is the display version of the Bunny Meadow crib set... on the clearance rack for $80 less than it's original $200. And suddenly.. bunnies did not seem so bad. But I still could not decided- I thought, and thought, and thought, and thought--- but I just really couldn't decide and Ryan still seemed slightly reluctant so.. we left.

That night, I could not get those damn green bunnies out of my head! I searched the internet high and low for something in our price range that would work better to no avail. I tossed and turned... I thought about how the bunnies and birds could be friends- I mean.. it isn't like we are talking OWLS here, and finally, I looked at Ryan and stuck out my bottom lip ever-so-tantalizingly and said, "You know, baby... there are only a FEW little bunny rabbits. Just a few. That's not so bad, is it?!" And he sighed at me and shrugged his shoulders...and sighed some more... and inevitably gave in because he loves me so [and maybe because his sex life hangs in the balance so precariously these days]. So.. I went back today with a coupon I got in the mail, some store credit and Ryan's blessing.

And here is where it gets REALLY good:

The cashier rang up the set and it was NOT $122 as I thought- it was $86! Then it suddenly became $68 because any clearance item that was over $200 originally got another 20% off. THEN I gave the nice lady my own coupon and it was $40-ish. Then I cashed in my store credit. Guess how much I paid out-of-pocket for that crib set? Just guess? JUST GUESS?!

Fifteen dollars! FIFTEEN DOLLARS!

And now.. those bunnies are looking pretty freaking awesome.

Further Proof...

2009-11-23T00:28:00.001-05:00

...that in spite of the fact that I am not yet dealing with 3 a.m. feedings or the bleeding ears due to infant tantrums or the burping/diapering/wiping/hugging/snuggling/juggling of parenthood... I am already a mama:

Oh, look... he's awake. Time to take 5 million pictures of his face!

OMG. Seriously...he basically makes the cutest expressions.
Ever. In the entire history of... expressions. Look at THAT FACE!!! It is entirely irresistible.

And this one!! I mean... he looks so serious and thoughtful and maybe a little perplexed... but he is a just a baby... and that is Just. Freaking. CUTE.

And man... his head looks SO big in this picture. It might be the angle... but it's probably because he has so much brain crammed in there. I mean.. those are some serious brains.

Look how he knows how to hold my hand- he should still be sucking amniotic fluid and here he is HOLDING MY HAND- obviously, he is a genius.

Definitely a genius.. because when I put in his binkie in his mouth...

He sucks on it.. because HE IS A GENIUS! And a rockstar.

An adorable mini-rockstar genius who makes the best expressions ever in the history of expressions.

And he is mine.

Let's Get It On

2009-11-19T14:45:00.001-05:00

At my doctor's appointment yesterday my doctor said- and I quote, "you can do pretty much anything you want to do- I'm not worried about it hurting you. Just... no stomach crunches quite yet."

OMFG-Really?! Really?!

My mouth must have been hanging open because he just sort of smiled and patted my shoulder gently and shoved me out the door. I started to say, "..but it's only been three weeks." Then, just in time, I had this flashback of the second grade when the teacher forgot to write the homework on the board and this stupid girl in the third row with this big, massive red bow in her hair [that her mom collected at these ridiculous bow parties left over from the 80's which were still cool in Texas because, let's be honest, Texas is the 80's bitch- and honestly, these parties were just an excuse for the moms to get together and gossip but the little girls all had to suffer the teased bangs and outlandish head ornaments long after Mrs. and Mr. Grinshaw stopped going to therapy and Mr. Patterson's secretary had their illegitimate love child - how is that fair?!] raised her hand three minutes before the bell rang and asked why there was no homework on the board and the teacher said, "Why thank you Michelle- I almost forgot." And sometimes, late at night, when it is very quiet I- I mean SHE... can still hear the chanting of "teacher's pet, teacher's pet" echo eerily off the walls. So... I slapped my hand over my big, fat, stupid mouth just in time and got my butt out of there.

You know what this means, right? You know... WHAT.THIS. MEANS. RIGHT?!

I have been waiting for this day and although it has come sooner than I expected, it could not come soon enough. My heart was pitter-pattering- I was walking on air. My mouth watered- I was practically trembling with desire. I have been so deprived and the deprivation was about to end. The elation could hardly be contained.

I came home and told my husband and he looked at me in awe. Life just got a little bit more awesome.

Today.... today.....

Today, I hooked up my Wii.
It was everything I hoped it would....and so much more.

What?
Oooooohhhhhhhh.... you didn't think I was going to say... [S. E. X.] did you? Get your filthy mind out of the gutter. Gosh.

Ryan got me Wii Fit Plus as a coming home present a couple days after I got out of the hospital. I know that it was more than likely just an excuse because he has been pretty much gunning for a Wii since they first came out.. but he gets the points anyway. I have been so excited to use it and today I set it all up.

For the most part, I loved it. It was mildly depressing when I weighed myself and the little scale made disapproving noises at me. I did not want to know how much I was gaining during my pregnancy because I tend to get weird about it and that was just one more thing I would have to stress over so.. this was my first time facing my weight since Liam's existence was discovered. It appears that I gained 22 pounds during my pregnancy [24.2 pounds with Liam. Ha.] and so 22 pounds I shall lose. I set my goal for three months- which is a little steep- about 3 lbs a week... but I want to see how I do the first week and adjust from there.

Well, anyway- that is my news for today.
You can't see me but I am shaking my head at you and your dirty gutter mind disapprovingly. Tisk, tisk.

And now.. I am going to see my son.

Breathe, Little One

2009-11-18T10:13:00.001-05:00

Breathing is the greatest pleasure in life.

Giovanni Papini

It appears that Liam too is wondering what in the world is going on! (Excuse the quality of these pictures- they were taken on my phone.) Yesterday, he started breathing too quickly so they did a chest x-ray which came back "hazy" [quite the technical terminology]. He is back up to 4 liters of oxygen and has started "chest compression therapy" to move the fluid around and prevent pneumonia.

I found some information on lung problems in premature infants here and, of course, Liam, being very white and very much a boy, is at a greater risk for lung complications.

I think the hardest part is that every little complication, every time Liam has a set-back, it extends the time before he will be able to come home. When these things happen everyone assures me that he will be fine... and I appreciate the words of comfort because I want more than anything else for him to be fine. But, on a very selfish level, I also want him home! I want to be able to hold him. I even just want to see him graduate to the back row, make it into an open bassinet and be considered a feeder/grower, and not just for his sake [though mostly, of course, for his sake] but also for my own sake...because I hardly remember what it feels like to take a deep breath anymore. Living your life on pins and needles is hard. And kind of pointy.

Every time we walk in and his oxygen has gone up or he has had a large residual or whatever the case may be, I watch the 6 weeks stretch to 8... then to 12...and so on. I am already so sick of the NICU and we have only been there for 22 days. There are babies stuck there for 222 days. And obviously, I would take the 222 days over the alternative if it is necessary... but I just get so very tired thinking about it. Big. Fat. Sigh.

Okay.. I am now choosing to stop all this negativity. On the other side of things, watching Liam transform from fetus to baby before my very eyes is pretty amazing. Of course, I would much rather NOT be watching it while it happens inside of me but since I have no other choice, I have to say.. it is really cool. He has gone from this wrinkled, tiny, pink, sleeping lump of a thing to an active, alert and not so wrinkled [but still very tiny] baby... in a mere 3 weeks! It is incredible.

For instance, the banner at the top of this blog was taken 3 days after Liam was born. It is already ridiculously out of date. He looks completely different. It is rather amazing.

He is also becoming much more aware of his surroundings and in one nurse's words, quite the busy-body. He is constantly yanking at his tubes and wires. He managed to pull his feeding tube completely out the other day and I swear I saw a look of satisfaction on his little face... until, of course, it was shoved right back down his throat- and then... he was PISSED.

His little hands are into everything. He also makes sure everyone is aware of how he feels about things- his night nurse told us that he is starting to get very mad when they mess with him because he has been messed with so much. He also fusses when his diaper is dirty because little princes' bottoms should not suffer contact with such filth for even the briefest of minutes, you know.

He has learned to suck!! And works a pacifier like a rockstar. [Yes, that massive one in the picture above. Except it isn't really massive at all. It just looks massive in comparison to his peanut head. And it's all vanilla scented and fancy.] He also tries very hard to make eye contact with whoever is talking to him... on the rare occasions he can be bothered to wake up enough to listen, that is.

Yesterday, I walked in and peeked into his isolette to find him staring at the ceiling with a look of wonder on his face. I sat next to him for a long time, just watching his eyes wander around the room, taking in all this sensory input that he would not be experiencing in the womb. His arms waved...his feet kicked. He opened his mouth- he closed his mouth. He pulled on his ears. He blinked and winked and rolled his eyes. Finally, he scrunched up his face and pitched a fit... or, you know, a squeak. [All of that cuteness was actually just Liam's way of filling his diaper.] So I changed him and talked to him and loved on him as best as I could... and he watched me the entire time with his big, dark eyes.

If you are pregnant... take a moment to be completely amazed that this is happening inside of you. All of these things I am watching Liam learn, your little one is learning before he or she is even born! It is almost unbelievable.

grati-tuesday

2009-11-17T22:56:00.001-05:00

Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.
Margret Cousins

I was very productive today. So productive that I am posting my gratitude with a mere hour to spare!

So, what was a so busy doing? I know you are simply dying to know...
I did laundry (which my gorgeous husband in now in the process of folding because he is wonderful). I also washed the bedsheets and quilt and made them fresh and clean. I began the daunting process of sorting through Liam's room and washed the clothes we already have for him in the fancy hypoallergenic baby detergent. Then I planned out some meals for the week, wrote up a shopping list and went grocery shopping for the first time in, quite literally, months! It is amazing how much more I appreciate simple things- like the ability to wash our clothes and cook at home. Going a couple of months without appliances was good for me, I think. I no longer see these things as chores- I see them as privileges [Heh.. I wonder how long THAT will last.]

I also spent a good bit of time at the NICU with Liam. He is still doing pretty good. His breathing was a bit more labored today so he has a chest x-ray scheduled for the morning. He also had quite a large residual from his evening feeding [though in all fairness, they moved him up to 4 ml. an hour- quite a bit for a little guy] so they are giving his tummy a little break to see if he needs some more digestion time. Also, he is up to 2 lbs, 14.5 oz.. but his night nurse said this is not a good thing. She believes it is fluid retention and is hoping he will actually lose weight tonight. Part of me is still holding out hope that it is good, healthy weight gain... because he has been gaining so steadily since birth. He dipped from 990 grams to 880 in the first week (as is to be expected) and it has been all up hill from there, excluding one small hiccup. Maybe he is just a miracle grower? A girl can dream.

Anyway.. on to my gratitude:
Today, in logical sequence from last week's post, I am taking a moment to be grateful for my wonderful, beautiful, kindhearted, sensitive, thoughtful, talented, funny, creative, smart, sexy, laundry-folding machine of a man. The list could go on because he is amazing.

This experience has shown me aspects of Ryan's character I probably never would have known otherwise....and it leaves me in awe. How in the world did I end up with this wondrous creature?! Really...tell me. I want to know. Maria took the words right out of my mouth; I must have done something majorly saintly.. at some point.. in my life.. that I don't even remotely remember.. because maybe I was on drugs or something....but damn saintly, nonetheless. [P.s.- I've never actually done drugs. I'm quite a goody-two-shoes if I am perfectly honest about it. No need for an intervention or anything.]

He does so many incredible things- and looks so good doing them. Yes ladies, he has personality, charm, and dashing good looks. Also, he is amazing in bed. Be jealous. Be jealous.. but keep your hands to yourself.

He also puts up with me when I am feeling whiny or cranky with only a moderate amount of dirty looks. And he gets me ginger ale at 2:00 in the morning when my tummy hurts. And he throws up peace signs with me even though he is not at all the peace sign throwing-up type [then again... neither am I but I do it anyway because I think I have a complex and desperately want to look cool throwing up peace signs because I never actually do and that makes me feel inferior to all those people who can throw them up with ease and comfort and don't get the peace sign duck lips that I so struggle with]. And he only looks at me a little funny when I dance in the car and try to rap along with Lil' Wayne. And he lets me listen to Lil' Wayne even though the sound of his voice is like nails on a chalkboard to his sensitive musician ears and he only rolls his eyes and sighs a little bit. Well, maybe more than a little bit... but he still lets me get away with it- at least until I look out the window and his lighting fast fingers can change the station. And he listens to me ramble for hours without once telling me I talk to much.. even though we both know that I talk.Way. Too. Much.

I already spent a good majority of a previous post bragging on him.. so I will not bore you with repetition. Just know that I have basically been smashed in the face with the biggest blessing I could ever imagine... and it didn't hurt at all.. and he looks good naked too.

I am smitten. Twitterpated. Head over heals.
And that is all.
Except that it is not all. It will never be all.
There is no end.

This is [Still?] Halloween.

2009-11-16T11:21:00.001-05:00

Boys and girls of every age
Wouldn't you like to see something strange?

On Saturday, Ryan and I attended the very belated Halloween party of a good friend. He runs a haunt during the actual Halloween season so every year the party happens in November. Ryan generally works in the haunt as well. [I worked in it 2 years ago. It was pretty great.] This year, he was Nurse Abbey (oh, how I wish I had a picture of that to share) though his time was cut a little short by the gremlin's arrival. Since I was deprived of all things Halloween growing up- I tend to soak it all in now. It is great fun.

Because of recent events *cough-unexpectedly having a child- cough* we did not exactly have the time to put a whole lot of thought into our costumes. We usually have a lot of fun with it.

2007:

Sweeney Todd and Nellie Lovett.

My dress was made of AWESOME.

2008:

2008- Alice and the Mad Hatter
[I wish I had a full pic- Ryan looked fantastic!]

And I was effin' sexy! ;-)

Dressing as a woman [well, technically as a man who wanted to BE a woman] for a couple of months made Ryan much more open to cross-dressing. Approximately four days before the party this year... he came up with the idea of going as each other. It was easy. It was fun. It was free. And so.. that's what we did:

Me.. attempting to make a Ryan face. Ryan.. attempting to be short.
We both fail.

I, very depressingly, actually fit into Ryan's clothes.
This picture is now officially my motivation!

Boo!

We had quite a lovely time. It was nice to resurface and see everyone and have a bit of fun. I did not get to take too many pictures but I will share my two favorites with you:

1. Liam's first playmate, Nellie Rose, came along with Mommy and Daddy. She is quite an adorable little pumpkin:
Nellie, in direct and complete contradiction to Liam, knows the art of taking her time. She has been a patient one from the very beginning [ you can read her story here]. She gave her parents some time to be married first, took her time getting here, and is still nice and cozy in her mama's belly. She will be arriving in January (as PLANNED. Ahem. Maybe someone we all know and love that shall remain unnamed, LIAM ELIOT, should take some notes and calm the heck down!!). I love still having an excuse to look at adorable little girl things and we are all very excited to meet her! (The green head to the left is her daddy...not a creeper, by the way.)

2.

Hmm.. looks like Nellie and Liam will have quite a bit to discuss.

In other news: Liam is still looking good today. His spells are relatively minor. His cannula is down to 2.5 liters and 21% (room air). His feedings are going to increase again today. He is 2 lbs, 12.5 oz- a regular little piglet. AND *drumroll please*...... his pinkie toe now crosses over my distal interphalangeal joint!! Woo!

Hooray for 3 good days in a row!

One Day, Liam Will Have a Girlfriend....

2009-11-14T13:19:00.001-05:00

...and when he does- these are the photos we will be whipping out:

Our little lamb resting so peacefully.

We were there for a good 45 minutes and the child did not so much as flinch- he was OUT.

As the good days pile up, [our count is up to 2! woo!] Ryan and I are starting to find fun in the little things. And honestly... what is the point of having kids if you can't make fun of them? I mean.. that is what makes all of the sleepless nights and tantrums and puberty and "Mom, I am piercing my nipples and going into the Peace Corps and you can't stop me" worth it, right? Okay... maybe that- and the fact that you love them so freaking much that every time you look at them your heart practically explodes out of your chest. But.. still.. the ability to tease doesn't hurt:

Sorry, Liam.. you were born into a family that shows our [undying, never-ending, forever and always, all-consuming] love and affection by... ribbing the hell out of you. It will be okay, though.. I promise. We all survived it- you will too. And one day, you will learn the art.. and we will be so proud.

In other news: did you notice my new hair?

In Ryan's words: It seemed like a fall thing to do- and it makes my eyes look ice blue, which is kinda cool.

I don't usually post on the weekends... but I am actively attempting to avoid the large quantities of housework that I can no longer put off because "I am still healing." We are living in a pig sty people.. and it is not pretty. My husband is here to help me with anything that falls under the "strenuous" category and so.. it must be done. Le sigh.

But as a reward: we are getting our refrigerator today! It will be amazing because we will then have a complete working kitchen and can stop living on take-out. Yay!

So.. I will leave you with this- OUR FIRST CHUB SIGHTING!

At 2 lbs, 9.9 oz- Liam has officially developed some coveted baby fat. We are so proud!

Have a wonderful weekend!

The Gift of Life

2009-11-13T09:28:00.001-05:00

Just as the body cannot exist without blood, so the soul needs the matchless and pure strength of faith.
Mahatma Gandhi

Liam needed his third blood transfusion yesterday afternoon. The infection he is fighting seems to be making it difficult for his little body to create blood cells. He is AB+. [Like ME! As I very smugly pointed out to Ryan- he may have inherited the shell from his Papa, but inside- he is just like his Mama! Oh... Lord help us.]

Just taking a nap while LIFE is injected into his hand.

Ryan picked up some information last night and learned that this is basically the best blood type to have because it is compatible with any other type- he can get blood from pretty much anyone. I am not cleared to donate yet (after losing so much blood during surgery) so Ryan is going to donate soon... but hopefully, Liam will not need another transfusion. That would be awesome. Because although it is a good thing... and kind of a miracle that we can even go around giving new blood to people at all, it is still hard to watch. Mostly because I just want him to be better now, thank you.

In spite the transfusion and a slight dip in weight [ 2 lbs 7.3 oz to 2 lbs 6.4 oz- probably because he has been off feedings for three days] Liam had a really good day yesterday. They took him off the ventilator and when we came to visit around 9 he was still completely stable. His nurse said that she can tell he is feeling better because he is getting back to his feisty self. They had to give him a little 'night-night' medicine to keep him from trying to yank all his wires out [That's my boy!] I promptly inquired about whether or not we would be getting some of that stuff to take home. But, alas... as parents we cannot drug our child for being too active. Who came up with that rule?

As you can see from this picture to the left, Liam has transitioned into big boy pants- he was peeing out of the micro-preemie diapers, so although these Pamper Preemies are kind of ridiculously large on him, he is sporting them, nonetheless. I have informed him not to get too comfortable though- he will be heading into cloths as soon as he is home.

Also, to give you a more comparable idea of Liam's size [because it is really hard to tell from pictures].... note the toes. Now, take a look at the picture below:

The first joint on your finger is called the distal interphalangeal joint (and no, I d id not make that up.) It is called this because the first section of your finger is called the distal phalanx (the little sections of your fingers deserve names too, you know!).

So... all of Liam's 5 perfect little toes line up along my distal phalanx- stopping directly at my distal interphalangeal joint. Take a look at your own and marvel at the craziness.

He is a wee little man.

And a wink for Mama.
[One of the many, many, many fails from yesterday's attempt to get a picture of Liam with his eyes open.. but, it was all worth it for that crossed-eye cuteness I shared with you in the last post.]

Can You Handle It?!

2009-11-12T23:43:00.001-05:00

This kind of cuteness... needs no introduction.

Oh, So Quickly

2009-11-12T10:07:00.001-05:00

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness.

You have to catch it yourself.
Benjamin Franklin

I promised myself I would post something every morning.. so, here I am- even though I cannot yet post what I actually want to post: my very first ever picture of my gremlin with his eyes open!

I took it yesterday at his 4 o'clock hands on time. I got his temp, changed his diaper, and put lotion on his poor little legs which were super dry from being out of his incubator a couple days ago [he was having a ton of "spells" and they needed to be able to get to him faster]. He was awake the whole time. With the ventilator in, he cannot cry anymore.. so he was doing his best to make it clear with his eyes that he was not too pleased with this string of events. He is obviously not very fond of his artificial lungs either- he kept grabbing the tube and trying to move away from it. The ventilator is so heavy that it weighs down his little head and he cannot move- I am sure that is an uncomfortable feeling. I told him it is up to him- if he would get his lungs in order he would not have to deal with it anymore... and I swear... somehow... he has already mastered the teenager glare.

I got a fantastic picture of him looking directly at the camera [slightly cross-eyed, but hey- give the kid a break... focusing is not usually on the agenda at -8 weeks old.] He is furrowing his brow and looks exactly- and I mean EXACTLY- like his Papa. It is slightly ridiculous. I will have to post a comparison picture eventually so you can all ooh and ahh at the outrageous resemblance. It makes me so very happy. Unfortunately, I cannot upload the cuteness until tonight... so you will all just have to wait.

I really love being able to go see him whenever I want to. I am going to be leaving here in a little while for his 12:00 hands on.. and then I will probably just find a place to stash myself until his 4:00. It makes a huge difference in how I feel about the entire situation. Also, I finally remembered to ask what criteria Liam had to meet before we would be able to hold him and we were told that usually it is just after they hit 1000 grams, but since Liam is not feeling so good, it would probably be better to wait a bit... and maybe get him off the ventilator. So, that gives us something to look forward too.

Anyway, I accomplished my goal for yesterday and came up with a schedule... Of course, today I am already 24 minutes BEHIND that schedule.. but at least I have one to mess up. Oh, and also- RYAN FIXED THE SHOWER!!!! Glory, Hallelujah! The water was running lukewarm at best.. and I like my water to be just short of scalding, so it was horribly depressing. But, Ryan fixed it and I took the most gloriously hot shower last night- I came out pink and wrinkled and happy. I woke up this morning thinking it was all a dream but it was not and no matter what happens in life, it is easier to deal with when you can come home to a hot shower.

How Michelle Got Her Groove Back

2009-11-11T09:34:00.003-05:00

Habit is a beneficent harness of routine which enables silly men to live respectfully and unhappy men to live calmly.
George Eliot

I am finding it rather difficult to get myself back into my daily groove. Or any groove, for that matter. Obviously.. my life has just come to a screeching halt on many levels: I am not going to school anymore (although we talked to my professors and they both seem willing to help me finish from home so *fingers crossed* I may still be able to graduate in December!), I am not working anymore, (boo! I miss my kids SO much) and I am under pretty strict orders to take it easy. So, getting back into what my life used to be is pretty much out of the question. It is just about the strangest thing ever to go from as busy as I was to... this. However, there are still things I could be doing.. and I think about doing them... and I think about doing them some more... and then... I don't... and then I watch 12 episodes of House online.

10 Things I could be doing:
1. Laundry- loads and loads and loads of laundry. We have lots of laundry and I could do it.
2. Putting the new handles on the cabinets.
3. Straightening up the house... which just seems to be getting filthier and filthier. Le sigh.
4. Whip out my sewing machine and learn to use the dang thing.
5. Finally teach myself to knit which I have been wanting to do For. Ev. Er.
6. Start sorting through the disaster area that will need to become Liam's nursery.
7. Start writing my senior seminar paper.
8. My wedding scrapbook!
9. Continue in my decorating endeavors.
10. I don't know... actually make it out of bed before 1 o'clock in the afternoon?!

Well, okay.. today, I will be making it out of bed before 1 p.m. because today I have a doctor's appointment at 1:15 p.m.- lucky me. I will then be driving myself over to the hospital for the very first time to see my baby. As of last night, he was much more stable since being put back on the ventilator. I did not go in to see him because I had a bit of a tickle in my throat. That was hard. I am fairly positive now that it is just the weather changing screwing with my allergies because my eyes have gotten ridiculously red and itchy and after 3 days the tickle has remained but has not progressed to anything more.. and because the weather changing (and leaves dying) always screws with my allergies. So I am going to go see him today but, just in case, I will sport the very fashionable face mask.

I have not heard anything yet about his condition this morning but I am hoping they started him on the more specific antibiotic that will kick this infection's ass so he can get back to the very important task of getting big enough and strong enough to come home.

But anyway... My personal theory about my lack of motivation is this: I cannot do the 3 things I want to do more than anything else for at least 6 weeks and so... it is hard to get motivated to do anything at all. What are those three things, you ask?

Well... since you asked:
1. Sex. [With my husband]
2. Exercise. [With my new Wii and Wii Fit Plus!!]
3. Mommy. [With my little button, Liam]

And so.. I lay around and woe is me. I mean seriously, I have begged [BEGGED] my husband.. and he was so close, SO CLOSE... and would have given in if it wasn't for the gosh-darn internet. [I hate you, Al Gore!] And I want my body back- it really puts it all in perspective when you realize that only 2.2 pounds of all that baby weight was actual baby. But horror stories of ripped open scars and internal bleeding have kept me pretty immobile.. and the Wii that Ryan got for me as a Welcome Home present is sitting there... mocking me...

And, of course, more than anything in the whole wide world I was Liam to come home. Actually.. at this point... I would even settle for just kissing his face and cuddling him. Even if it is in the NICU. I just want to hold him and love him. That is pretty much the hardest part.

So.. my goal for today is to somehow, someway... find some shred of normal somewhere in this mess we call life. To make a schedule. To get myself together. To STOP POUTING and start grooving. Life will never go back to the way it was.. so I need to start putting together the pieces of the way it is... because it can still be good in it's new and unusual way.

grati-tuesday

2009-11-10T11:21:00.001-05:00

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.

Cicero

Man.. even I did not know I was capable of such cheese as is located in the title of today's post.. but, alas, I am. And I will not apologize.

Today, my little bit turns 2 weeks old. And I have decided that every Tuesday is now cause for celebration. Every week that we put behind us is a step in the right direction. No matter what obstacles we face, we are still moving forward. So, on Tuesdays... I am going to take a moment to remember the things that I am grateful for.

And, of course, I will start off this new tradition with Liam Eliot. I am so grateful for every morning that I wake up and he is still with us. I am grateful that he has the spirit of an overcomer and is fighting so hard. We have learned that his little body is having to work against an infection now. He has been put back on a ventilator and has had to have a lumbar puncture, a blood transfusion, and countless tests, labs and x-rays as they work to figure out exactly what sort of infection has made its way into his system and how best to treat it. It is hard to fight against the panic that rises up at hearing these things... but I think I am getting better. I am learning to find my peace.

Liam has not given up. His heart is still beating. His brain is still ticking. And he is still growing [He now weighs 2 pounds and 7.3 ounces; practically a sumo wrestler!] The nurses tell us he is fiesty.. that he is a wild child... and I am so grateful for that strong will in him. I know that there will be days when it will make me want to pull my hair out.. but I also know, from my own experience [Yes, I admit it: I am ridiculously hard-headed] that it will serve him well in life.

So today, I am grateful for my son. I am grateful that I have been given the opportunity to know him. I am grateful for every day that I get to spend as his mama. I am grateful for his perfect fingers and toes and belly button. I am grateful for his precious, adorable little button nose. I am grateful that the last two weeks are behind us and I am grateful for the many, many weeks ahead to watch him grow.

What are you grateful for today?

I Need You So Much Closer

2009-11-08T19:10:00.001-05:00

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Wow. People say that life is a roller coaster... and I don't think I have ever been hit with the truth of that statement until now. We can go from elation to fear in mere hours and I have to admit that my emotions are getting just a wee bit fried. Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE roller coasters?!

On Friday, Liam was doing absolutely fantastic on 1 liter of oxygen so they decided to take him completely off his cannula. They told me when I called to check on him around noon. Because I cannot drive yet, I was going to have to wait to go to the hospital but I was so excited to see his little face without that breathing tube. I called back around 8:30 that evening... and they told me that he didn't make it; his heart rate started dropping and he was huffing and puffing so they put him back on the oxygen. They put him at 2 liters but that didn't cut it so he had to go back up to 3. They were doing blood work and a chest x-ray to see what went wrong.

His chest x-ray just showed that he lost some lung volume and his blood work came back clean so we took a deep breath and relaxed. We were assured repeatedly that this is just a preemie thing- they might play this game for a few weeks before coming completely off oxygen.

By Saturday, he was back at 2 liters of oxygen but his respiratory rate was rather accelerated. They were keeping a close watch on him and never felt that it was enough to warrant putting him back up to 3 liters so we were feeling grateful for that. He was still gaining weight and looking good so we went home Saturday night feeling settled again.

At noon on Sunday we walked into the NICU and received a very different story. The nurse was standing over Liam's isolette and immediately asked if we had been called by the doctor or nurse practitioner- not a good sign. My heart completely sank.

The nurse explained that Liam is requiring more oxygen, his heart rate is up, and there is green discharge coming from his tummy again. They stopped feedings and had ordered another contrast x-ray for this morning. We still haven't heard the results of the tests. He was headed for the x-ray when Ryan called a few minutes ago. Up. Down. Up. Down. Loops. Twists. Turns... and we are only at the beginning.

One thing that I am having a difficult time swallowing is the nurses' insistence that touching Liam is not good for him. My mother came up to visit yesterday with one of her pastors- we went in to see Liam and he was WIDE awake. I have never seen him so alert and curious. He was looking all around and when I would talk to him he would turn his head and look right into my eyes. It was amazing. Occasionally, he would lose focus and his little eyes would cross and he would make the funniest face. He can usually only make it for a few minutes before sleep claims him again but we were there for over half an hour and he was bright-eyed the whole time. I wanted to love on him so much while he was awake, but the nurse told me that he did not need to be touched because she thinks he is getting sick and to just leave him alone. I have to tell you.. I have only been a mom for a few days and I have not even really had the chance to be a mom in the true sense of the word...but it is still difficult to listen to someone else tell me what to do with my child, especially when I am not sure I agree.

I had recently read this study which talks about the different types of touch preterm infants receive and how it seems to affect their well-being. We have been told that stroking Liam provides too much stimulation to his fragile nervous system; however, when we go during our "hands on" time we are encouraged to "cradle" him by placing our hands gently on him without stroking or rubbing. This study seems to back up this type of touch. It goes on to say that the medical touch that preterm infants receive most frequently (during medical procedures and such) can have negative affects. The problem is that Liam only has 4 "hands on" periods a day... and we are usually only able to make it to one or two of them. Two happen while Ryan is at work and one is at midnight. The only one we make consistently is the one at 8:00 p.m. and often we don't even get the chance to touch him because someone assumed we weren't coming and already took care of it. When we do make it, we take his temperature, change his diaper, wipe his mouth and then have a few minutes to love on him before closing him back up in his little box. Once I am able to drive again [WEDNESDAY!!], I will certainly be there more frequently during the day... but for now the majority of the touch my baby is receiving is cold, clinical, medical touch that cannot possibly be doing him any good. And then when I am able to be there, if it is even five minutes after their set time, I am told not to touch my own child. It just makes me angry.. and I have to remind myself to retract the claws because it does no good to kill the messenger. The nurses are just doing their jobs. But his heart rate and respiratory rate slow down whenever our hands are on him; everything in me disagrees... and sometimes I just want to scream at someone to BACK THE HELL OFF and give me a minute with my baby.

Okay. Thank you. I just needed to get that off my chest. Moving on....

I found this video online today. At the end it says something about a NICU baby's health regressing before it gets better.. and how this is normal. Every time the doctor tells us something new I ask, "Is this normal?" and they say yes. Everything Liam has faced so far is normal for a preemie of his size and gestational age. I also found this article about a miracle baby. I hold onto things like these to keep myself from losing it every time we hear a not-so-great report. We are not alone- other families have faced this. They made it. He will make it. It is normal. Normal. Normal. Normal.

I want so much to be able to look at all of this as a lesson in patience and courage and faith... and to know that we will overcome this and it will soon be a distant memory. I am really trying.

Normal.

The Motherload

2009-11-06T09:49:00.001-05:00

Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper. It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.
Anonymous

One day, Liam will fill his diaper and Ryan and I will look at each other with fear in our eyes and begging on our lips: "Please! Please, please, please, please, please--- will you take care of this one?! Please! It is totally your turn. No, it's yours. No, it's yours. I'll do the dishes. Please!"

But for now we both really look forward to diaper changes. The hospital only allows a couple of "hands on" times a day. Sick babies are sick and need their rest.. and the little ones like Liam just were not counting on any cuddle time for a couple more months. [And trust me, our little one makes it perfectly clear how he feels about losing out on his alone time.]

So, taking Liam's temperature, changing his diaper, and wiping his mouth are the few ways that we can be involved in his care at the moment. And, for now...we really enjoy it.

At first the entire situation was really intimidating. I mean, I can change a baby's diaper with one hand. I have changed diapers in some very strange places and with some very interesting distractions. I have experienced blow-outs, blow-ups, spill-overs, and (my favorite) the pee-out. [For those of you who do not have any experience with little boys, this occurs when boy parts are pointed up and the baby pees all over his own shirt- leaving the diaper completely dry. It's like a magic trick!]

But I have to say I have never in my life changed the diaper of a 2 pound baby. His diapers, which are still too big for him, are smaller than most doll diapers. Add in all the wires and tubes and his little bird bones and you have a situation that left me, the diaper queen, practically hyperventilating. [Ryan, on the other hand, handled it without flinching. He is always surprising me. I love that man.]

It only took a couple of times for me to get used to it.. and, as an added bonus, it seems like the Gremlin is getting used to it as well; at least, he did not squeak through the entire experience last time... He is a wiggly little thing, but if he isn't crying, it keeps you from feeling so panicky and rushed.

I guess I can add "through the arm holes of an incubator" to my list of strange.

The boy needs to get some meat on his thighs..... Hey, I have some to spare!

I am taking that as a yawn of approval.

Last night, Liam "graduated" to the back row. He is in a new isolette and will now be allowed 3 visitors at a time. His color is looking better every day. He is gaining weight- 950 grams as of yesterday, only 20 grams below his birth weight! He is back on continues feedings, digesting well so far, and is down to 1 liter of oxygen. In spite of being warned repeatedly that he would probably have to bounce back to a ventilator, he has yet to do so- in fact, he is moving in the other direction. And.. he is a world-class pooper.

Things are looking pretty good today.

Our New Normal

2009-11-05T09:13:00.002-05:00

Laugh at yourself but don't ever aim your doubt at yourself.

Alan Alda

Ladies and Gentlemen... I am home.
And I am not wearing any pants.

I am not wearing any pants because I do not have to worry about a nurse, or doctor, or technician, or consultant, or housekeeper walking in on me every fifteen minutes. So... I am wearing Hello Kitty underwear.. and a t-shirt... and NO PANTS.

I would also like to point out that my blood pressure has stayed at least 20 points lower than it did at any point in the hospital- in spite of all the medication. Home is healing; home... and lack of pants.

On Tuesday night the doctor showed up around 10:00 p.m. and said I could go home. He also said he does not usually like to send people home so late but it is not often that he has a patient in the hospital for 8 days and so he wanted to give me the option. It was tempting to get the heck out of there... but it was not entirely practical. Nothing was packed up and we would have to go get my prescriptions filled and I was already tired because... apparently being sick and having major surgery can really wipe a person out. [Who knew?] So we waited until the morning.

I was very excited to be going home... but then.. it dawned on me: I would have to leave my baby here. I would be walking out the door without him and... you know what? That really sucks.

Everyone is constantly reminding me that things could be so much worse and that I am leaving him in good hands and that this is the best place for him to be and at least he is doing well and I am doing well and again, things could be So. Much. Worse. And, trust me when I say, I know this. I get this. It is completely and totally understood by my brain. It does not make it any easier to walk out the front door of a hospital while your brand-new (and oh so tiny) baby remains behind to incubate... because for whatever reason your body decided to betray you and now he is having to suffer the consequences long after you get to go home to your nice comfy bed and continue on with your life.

This entire situation occasionally feels like the practical joke from hell. Almost as if someone, somewhere sat around [performing the evil finger tap of contemplation] and came up with something they could throw at me that would leave me scratching my head.

Hmm... bizarre pregnancy induced illness leading to a micro-preemie! GO!

I have always wanted to raise my children naturally and organically. I wanted cloth diapers and homemade baby food and as little medical intervention as possible. And now my son is being nourished by lime green mystery fluids pumped into his veins through an IV.. and being lulled to sleep by the beeping of heart monitors and the voices of nurses reading off the stats while a box keeps him warm. Not my arms- not a cozy blanket.... a box. Yes, it is a very fancy box... it is the Cadillac of boxes as far as boxes go...but it is a box, nonetheless.

And I can only touch him for a few minutes a day. And there are so many things that could go wrong at any given moment. And... he is just so very tiny.

It is just a very strange thing to wrap my head around. And it is a very strange way to start our family.

As my mother likes to point out on a regular basis: Ryan and I do not do "normal." But it is never our choice- life just keeps happening to us without our permission. Sometimes I think that when we decided to get married, we signed some sort of contract that states that we will allow life to bend us over and make us its... *ahem* woman.... whenever it so desires.

So, today is the first day of, once again, recalibrating normal. I am not sure what it will look like.. but we have to start somewhere. And... I am quite happy to be home.

Week One Down

2009-11-03T14:43:00.001-05:00

The only reason for time is so everything doesn't happen at once.

Albert Einstein

Well, we have made it through our first full week. It is really amazing how quickly your brain shifts. Liam has been on the planet for seven days, every moment of it spent in this hospital, and already our lives would feel empty without that tiny little being in it.

There is still no word on when I will be released. I was given a glimmer of hope yesterday when the doctor mentioned the possibility of going home today..but it does not look like he is satisfied with my blood pressure yet. Today he has increased my medication again; I have never taken so many pills in my entire life. I have lost count of the exact number but it is upwards of 15 a day.

Occasionally, I have the urge to look up the diseases that I have since I have no working knowledge of them really... but then I remind myself that knowledge is not always power- sometimes, it only serves to terrify you. Maybe I will try to learn a little bit more after this is all over.

Dr. Story came by last night with her medicine bag and made me feel all better.

The same has been true for Liam's situation. Some preemie support groups and other resources have been suggested to me... but I cannot bring myself to get involved. Every baby is different- a fact the nurses remind us of every day- and the few times I have ventured online to look up preemie information, I end up stumbling on some story that leaves my heart racing. Liam is doing really great, but there is still a long road ahead of us, and many obstacles that could come along. We do not know what the future holds or how his rough start will affect him in the long run. I just do not need to be anticipating complications- whatever is going to happen will happen and we will deal with it when it comes.

As for today: he is looking good. He has a contrast x-ray scheduled for 4:00 to see if anything is going on with his little tummy because he started having some feeding issues. However, he has started gaining weight again and is back up to an even 2 pounds. He sleeps soundly on his belly and his color is looking great.

Holding Mama's hand for a brief minute before pushing her away. He definitely requires copious amounts of alone time. [I wonder where in the WORLD he got that from. Heh....]

I am pretty much obsessed with his feet and tooshie. I must have taken 20 pictures of each this afternoon. Ryan went back to work today so I went to the NICU for the first time alone. The nurse had already taken care of his diaper and tempurature, which was fine because they moved my IV into the inside nook of my left elbow [there is an actual medical term for this space which my mother rattled off when I complained about the IV being put here.. but I can't remember it]. This makes it pretty much impossible to bend my arm. So.. I just sat and stared at him; I am most definitely smitten with my little man.

I was also able to hold him for a few minutes the other day while his bed was changed. It was utterly terrifying. He was upset and wiggly and there are so many wires and tubes. I was afraid to breathe on him and have to admit to a sigh of relief when the nurse took him back. However, it has been indicated that after he is through with his contrast x-rays, holding him will become a regular part of our routine.. so it is something we are going to have to get used to. It will be Papa's turn next. He has done great with taking Liam's tempurature and changing his diaper so I think he will be just fine with holding him- if his attitude so far is any indication, he will probably handle it better than I did.

By the way... Ryan and I feel so blessed by our friends and family- we have received so much encouragement and help since this all began. It's amazing. Every single message, comment, text and phone call is so appreciated- it makes such a difference even if we aren't able to get back to everyone. We love you all. Thank you so much.

Making His Feelings Known

2009-11-02T23:07:00.001-05:00

It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears.
Ovid

Liam Eliot- Day 3

2009-10-30T14:14:00.001-04:00

Well, as I am sure you can imagine life has been rather surreal. While we cannot help but wishing for some sense of normalcy... it is almost impossible to remember what the beginning of this week felt like or what "normal" really is. It is so hard to put the events of the last few days into words and I feel like we will be counting time in Liam days for a very long time.

Liam Eliot is still doing very well. He is so tiny- making even the other premmies look huge in comparision, but he is breathing on his own and now taking micro-feedings every four hours. We have heard nothing but good reports. He had a PICC line put in today; although, from what we understand, they weren't able to thread it all the way to his heart but it will still be better for him than having IVs inserted every few days.

It is still difficult for me to look at him and not wish I could take it all away. When we walked into the NICU yesterday, he was crying... and while logically it is a good sign that he has both the strength and lung power to make his feelings known, I just do not think it is fair that he should have to feel discomfort yet. He should still be floating in liquid happiness... Watching him cry is so painful.

I am doing alright as well. The doctor has explained that we are going to be chasing my blood pressure around for the next few days. Last night was pretty rough, with my pressure getting back up to the scary levels that landed us in the hospital in the first place, but today has been much better. I am having the most difficulty keeping my spirits up. It does not look like I will be getting out of the hospital until next week...and then I will be faced with leaving Liam here, which will not be easy. The situation is somewhat overwhelming.

Ryan has been so wonderful through everything. His optomism is keeping me from losing it and he has been so supportive through every little thing- from helping me to use the breast pump to holding my hand as my head buzzes with high blood pressure.

Hopefully, I will get myself together enough to start posting more regularly and... coherently... again. However, until then.. here are some pictures of our little button:

Do you see those big hands?

Just chillin' in his little house... on his b-day.

Wearing his cool shades under the UVs

Ryan found this amusing becuase I sleep the same way.

Perfect- and breathing on his own!

Answers! [And a twist ending]

2009-10-28T05:22:00.001-04:00

There is a lot to say.. but not enough time to say it all on in...so consider this a quick update to be expanded on later:

At the ultrasound yesterday morning it was discovered that I had severe preeclampsia along with a syndrome called HELLP- which have to do with elevated liver enzymes and low platelets. I did not feel sick at all... but I was- very, very sick. The specialist determined that this was the cause of Liam's sluggish development and sent me directly over to the hospital {"Do not pass go. Do not stop at McDonalds"}

Boy.. do I hate hospitals and while this is definitely one of the best experiences I have ever had... it has also been completely miserable. I will go into more detail at a later date.

Sooo.. are you ready for the twist?

.......You sure? Positive?

On October 27nd, 2009 at 7:19 p.m. Liam Eliot was delivered. He weighs 2.2 pounds. He is 37 cm long. He has dark hair and big strong hands and he cried all by himself before they put him on the ventilator. I got to hear it.

He scored very high for a small preemie on his tests- 6/7 and a couple hours later the NICU came in and said he was doing great- already off oxygen; just breathing good old fashioned air through his ventilator and adjusting to life well.

Ryan has met him several times, as well as both sets of grandparents- I have not been allowed into the NICU because I am on bed rest- blood pressure still high and such... but hopefully the doctor will clear it for today.

They tried to show him to me before they left but I had been given a relaxer that actually knocked me completely out.. so I have yet to lay eyes on his precious face, though my dad did bring me pictures and he is absolutely beautiful.

I am so sore.. and tired.. and still not feeling well. This entire experience has been surreal. There isn't much else to say at this point.. because I need a nap- but there will be soon, I'm sure.

Where The Wild Things Are

2009-10-26T12:00:00.002-04:00

Do not go. I'll eat you up, I love you so.

K.W.

Ryan and I went to see Where the Wild Things Are this weekend. [Check out that link if you get the chance- it is super cute] The movie was gorgeous. I absolutely loved it. There were certainly things that could have been done better but any imperfections were entirely forgivable. I have not even come close to getting emotional about a movie in years... yet I found tears running down my face numerous times while watching this one. Granted, crazy preggo emotions could very well have a bit to do with that, but... it was also a very touching experience.

I think one of the most powerful things for me was watching Max. The opening scene shows him tearing through the house after his dog in his infamous wolf costume. He is screaming like a banshee and wielding a plastic fork as a weapon. Ironically, the dog is a black poodle very similar to our poodle hybrid, Fezzik. As he tackles the dog and the screen freezes on his wild, dirty little face, I just looked at Ryan... and he looked at me and we smiled nervous smiles. Because I believe it dawned on both of us at the exact same moment that... we are going to have one of those. In our house. ALL THE TIME.

In this aspect, the rest of the movie served to both delight and terrify us. This little boy was all boy. I know Ryan felt like he was watching his own childhood unfold (although Max was probably a bit more spirited than my love- introverted child that he was). The character was so full of so many things. It astounded me how complex this little creature was capable of being. His imagination was incredible. He was so rough and loud and messy... and yet, you just wanted to hug him for being all of those things. One minute he is a holy terror and the next he is as sweet as pie and I just kept shaking my head at the grand realization that my life is going to be so full of this so soon. Needless to say, the scenes between Max and his mom got to me the most.

It is amazing what they did with such a simple children's story. They managed to stay true to a book that contains so few words and yet expand and create this entire, amazing world. It was very good and you should see it. That is all.

In other news: my appointment with the Regional Obstetrical Consultants has been set for tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m. I work on Tuesdays and usually will reschedule anything that interferes with that because 1. I do not like calling in and 2. We need all the money we can get. However, I really do not want to try to reschedule. I just want to get this over with.

My doctor has been so careful to assure me that this is just a precaution and that he does not think there is anything seriously wrong with Liam. He has never once used a term that has set off red flags in my mind... so, of course, leave it to the receptionist to mess with that. On Friday, after taking my blood sugar test, I walked up to ask if she had made the appointment for me. She pulled out my chart and said, "Oh yeah... I forgot: you are going to the high risk center." Gah. "High-risk" is not a term I really needed to have floating around in my mind.

Of course, I am not going to the center on a regular basis; I am going to have a single ultrasound done using their crazy awesome equipment, which my doctor does not have, to determine that everything is flowing well through the placenta. Prayfully, it is and my doctor's initial assumption that Liam is just genetically predisposed to being small is correct. I do not mind having a small baby (I mean really.. how crazy would I have to be to WANT a bigger head to shove through my vagina?) - I just want him to be healthy. And right now, I do not geniunely feel that I have anything serious to worry about. Yes, of course, it is on my mind and I have been doing everything I can from my end to help if possible. [I got the ridiculous six-a-day prenatals, I am drinking Boost and eating large quantities of fruits and vegetables, trying to rest more, etc., etc.]; however, it is also hard to be seriously concerned about the well-being of a child that is capable of making you grimace and moan as he kicks you hard in the bladder... or ribs... or intestines.. or wherever else his precious foot may land, and whose heartbeat can be heard loud and strong through a stethoscope (which he resents for invading his space and makes it very clear where he thinks you should stick that damn thing).

In my opinion, Liam is determined to make it into this world. He is a strong little sucker. He was conceived against the odds, survived 9 weeks of my complete oblivion to his existence and has proven that he is not taking no for an answer. I think he is going to be just fine... but I will not turn away your thoughts and prayers either. :)

The Good. The Bad. The Ugly.

2009-10-23T08:06:00.001-04:00

In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science.
Martin H. Fischer

Well, the good news is: my doctor does not believe the pain in my abdomen is anything serious. He poked. He prodded. He listened to me breathe. He did an ultrasound (to check on Liam). He then came to the perplexing conclusion that I may have acid reflux. This diagnosis confuses me because I explained that I get frequent heartburn and the two pains are nothing alike. When I mentioned this he said, "Huh? Really?" and then handed me the name of an over-the-counter medication for acid reflux. It makes me think that perhaps I did not accurately describe my symptoms: the pain does not get worse after I eat, it is not a burning sensation in any way, I do not have nausea or vomiting, and the only things that relieve it are Tylenol and warm compresses. It feels like I broke my ribs, not like acid is trying to claw its way out of my stomach. However, I am willing to give it a shot. I am pretty much willing to give anything a shot.

It is very good to know that my blood pressure is normal (ruling out preeclampsia), the doctor does not believe it is my gallbladder, and, as far as I know, there was no sign of infection in my urine (ruling out a bladder or kidney infection). I am honestly surprised about that one. I have a history of bladder/kidney infections. [Bad ones. Really bad ones. And often. As in... on and off antibiotics ever since an undiagnosed bladder infection landed me in the hospital and weakened my kidneys almost three years ago.] Yet, I have not had one since getting pregnant. Or, if I have, the doctor has not mentioned it, and it has not been bad enough to cause the symptoms I am used to. I find that really interesting.

The bad news is that there is no magic get better pill that will make it possible to get more than three hours of sleep a night, or make it easier to breathe, or stop sneezing from being the most feared moment of my day. I am now carrying around a small pharmacy in my purse: Tylenol, Zantac, a thermal heating pack, Tums (which I suppose the Zantac will replace), and my prenatal vitamins. I am feeling rather defeated.

More bad news: Liam's growth has not picked up. He is still measuring very small. I was watching the screen as the doctor measured him because as he clicks and drags on various body parts, the estimated gestational age based on the measurements adjusts on the screen. From what I could tell (with my limited knowledge, mind you), he is measuring about 2-2.5 weeks behind what he should be. I am going to have to go sometime next week to a special ultrasound which will determine if something is wrong with the blood flow through the placenta and slowing his growth.

But back to the good news: I specifically asked the doctor this time if anything seemed abnormal. He said very emphatically that no, the baby looks just fine. There is nothing wrong with him at all. He is developing normally- he is just really small. He also said that it is very likely that it could simply be genetic: he is going to be a little guy. That is his best bet and he does not believe he is missing anything, but he wants me to get this ultrasound just to be safe.

So I am going today to take the glucose test. I am going next week for that extra ultrasound, and I have now officially started my two week visits so I will be back at my regular appointment the following week. Man... that's a lot of doctor in my life.

Oh, well- I should really be grateful. I was nervous walking into that yesterday. The nurse made it sound very serious. I asked if it could wait until my regular appointment the next day and she said no, I needed to get there as soon as possible. Of course, once again no one in that office communicates with each other because the doctor walked in and began a normal appointment with me until I stopped him to explain that I was there because of some unexplained abdominal pain. He looked surprised: I was not. We will never, ever, ever be going back to this practice. This is at least the fifth time that a lack of communication has caused problems- this being the mildest instance. And it makes me nervous because if they can't even manage to talk to each other.. what aren't they telling me?

And the ugly? Well, I guess there really isn't any... unless you count my face. It is looking pretty rough due to sleep deprivation. I am working extra hours today and have been trying to figure out a way to turn "let Michelle take a nap" into some form of entertainment for a preschooler, toddler, and baby but... no luck yet.

Sigh. Fridays are my day to get things done around the house. And, more importantly, to have the bed to myself for a couple of hours after Ryan goes to work in the morning. But.. money makes the world go 'round. Unfortunately, it does not make my brain function any better. Case in point: I just sat the baby in his high chair with a banana... and no bib. I am now the proud caretaker of a completely banana covered baby, of course...who is apparently feeling as cranky as I am today. He has been awake for thirty minutes and already managed three meltdowns. Where is my sweet, docile, kissable chubster when I need him?

I Spoke Too Soon

2009-10-22T08:41:00.001-04:00

Here is a picture of my delicious, nutritious breakfast because I know you care. I had Special K waffles with lite syrup and banana, a bowel of grapes and OJ- to give Liam a bit of exercise. It was yummy... but that is not at all what this post is about.

Last night, my abdominal pain came back with a vengeance.
I got about 3.5 hours of sleep and spent most of the night crying and moaning and keeping my poor husband awake as I tried various positions to no avail. Around 2:00 a.m., I made my way to the handy-dandy Wal-mart and picked up a thermal heating pack (with patented clay technology!) and it helped slightly... but I still woke up at 6:00 a.m. wishing for a huge tranquilizer dart or some Vicodin or something. That is when I realized that this must be more than normal pregnancy discomfort.

SO.. this morning... I did what any good 20th century girl does in my position: I googled it. (As a side note: isn't it interesting how "google" has become an accepted verb? Hmm.. I find language fascinating... because I am a dork.)
And I have to say... I am not pleased with what I found. This was enough to scare me, but along with various other websites with taglines such as "abdominal pain in pregnancy is never normal," etc... and then going to my OB/GYN's website and reading "severe abdominal pain that is not relieved by a bowel movement" on the list of reasons to call IMMEDIATELY, I have absolutely decided to call my doctor.

Ug. I am a little upset. I asked my mother about the pain and I think she is so focused on keeping me from worrying about ANYTHING that she underplayed it. If I had been aware of all of the awful things it could be an indicator of I would have called days ago. I just thought I was being a horrible baby... and maybe I am... but it would be good to know, don't you think?

Now, Liam's movement has not really decreased so I know that as of now he is probably still doing fine... but what if something is going wrong- something that can be caught early and treated? And I have gone over a week with this pain and not bothered to call because I thought it was my back and then I thought it was my own wimpiness and then when I started to worry I was told not to. By a nurse! Gr.

So.. now I am just watching the minutes tick by until 9:00 a.m. when I can call- I am at work so while I am sure they are going to insist I come in, I won't be able to until 3:30 p.m.... and then I will have to skip class to do it. But I guess this is when my resolution to get my priorities in line and stop worrying so much about school is tested.

Sigh. Oh, the drama- the DRAMA!

Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful.

2009-10-21T15:06:00.001-04:00

On a bad day, I have mood swings- but on a good day, I have a whole mood playground.

Charles Rosenblum

Today has been a wonderful day. The weather is absolutely gorgeous and good news has come left and right.

First of all, my Latin professor told us last night that no one did very well on the midterm. He used a very cute airplane metaphor and declared that, since he was the pilot, he does not blame us and will be counting our next test twice and throwing this grade out. You could feel the relief flood the room and now I will have until November (the date of the next test) to get my act together!

Also, my Senior Seminar midterm has been cancelled entirely! The professor has been ill for the last three class periods and does not feel that it is fair to spring a test on us at this point. He will instead be distributing the percentage between a rough draft of our paper and the final. Awesome!

On top of this, the pain I have been feeling has sort of eased up. My belly and back are still aching and my neck is rather stiff, but it is feeling more like regular pregnancy pain and less like OMG! I AM GOING TO DIE!

Did I mention that the weather is perfect?!

I took a few belly shots with my parent's camera- I am always a few days behind the actual weekly marker but these are technically for 28 weeks.

That's all for now. Since class was cancelled again tonight, I am going to try to get home early enough to spend the evening with my husband. Wow. An evening with my husband- it is quite the luxury these days.